Following Donald Trump’s visit to UCSD, the Republican front-runner and likely presidential candidate has decided to reverse his entire foreign policy because of a burrito purchased at the campus eatery Goody’s. Trump was engaged in dialogue with several UCSD students when he was persuaded to eat at the campus hotspot. It was a life-changing experience for the 69-year-old Trump, who proceeded to proclaim it the “best meal [he] had ever eaten.”
In his press conference Sunday, Trump announced that “authentic Mexican cuisine is an American treasure. We must preserve it with dignity because it is, without a doubt, a monumental upgrade over pizza and Chinese take-out. I was completely wrong about the Mexicans because their food has contributed so much to American society. If you haven’t had the Doritos Locos Taco yet, then you’re not a true American.”
A representative from the Trump Organization added, “Our soon-to-be president has decided that immigrants and minorities have not actually been lazy. In fact, they have clearly been devoting their time and resources to creating some of the world’s most delicious dining options. In fact, the Trump Organization was so impressed by the quality of food served at UCSD’s Goody’s that we have offered to install a branch in every single one of our Trump hotels. We didn’t know that Mexico was, in fact, sending the most delicious of the most delicious.”
Jose Rojas, who works part-time at the establishment in question, spoke highly of the businessman, claiming that Trump “tried really hard to pronounce salsa” and “got through the entire ordering process without yelling or firing anyone.” Trump even offered to bring over my entire family as personal chefs to live in his penthouse. I told him we already had jobs and a home in the United States, but he didn’t really seem to understand.”
Members of the right and the left are applauding this move for its creation of dozens of jobs as well as its generous and philanthropic nature.
At press time however, no one had the heart to inform the gleeful Mr. Trump that Rojas was the only Latino-American working at Goody’s or that Goody’s itself was named after Thurgood Marshall.
In a surprising power shift, Trump’s new, progressive foreign policy has attracted hundreds of multi-million dollar corporations to his candidacy. The largely food-related conglomerates have made an effort to highlight the importance of Latino-Americans within their company cultures in their support for Trump’s new “Keep the Mexicans” initiative. Chipotle, for example, has now considered hiring a Latino person, or at least, talking to one about their food.
Next week, Trump will visit select areas in San Francisco to try the uniquely Chinese cuisine in the United States. Per Michael Chow of Panda Express, “The future president of America is very excited to give our Orange Chicken and fortune cookies a try and we are incredibly lucky to host someone with such global tastes.” Chow hopes that the MSG will convert the presidential candidate into a connoisseur of traditional East Asian food, and mostly-assimilated Asian Americans can finally get the recognition they deserve.
Written by: Michael Ye