Volume 22 Issue 3
Study Finds Taller Americans at Increased Risk of Hitting Head on Passing Jets
A study conducted by the American Medical Association, in conjunction with the University of California, San Diego, confirmed that certain individuals who are taller than others, …
Dress Codes Point/Counter Point
Point: School Dress Codes Are Unnecessary and Unreasonable Middle school was the worst six years of my life. When I was 11 years old, I was …
Satanic Barbecue Point/Counter Point
Point: University of California, San Diego: One Big Homage to the Devil? Greetings, children of the Great Shepherd, our Great Lord. I stand before you today …
Area Mad Scientist Crowdfunds Affront to God
Area Mad Scientist Hugo Mounster began using crowdfunding platform GoFundMe to raise money to create life that is “an affront to all the gods of man.” …
New Standardized Test Implements A Through Z Answer Choices, Fixes Public Education
Several California school districts adopted a new standardized test aimed at providing more effective determinations of a student’s intelligence and knowledge base. The test encourages divergent …
UCSD Student Looks Up Freaky Porn On School Wi-Fi Chancellor Khosla Sent to Give Him “The Talk”
Last Saturday night, a student from Sixth college was caught using ResNet to view pornography that has been described by various sources as “revolting,” “disturbing,” and …
I’m So Excited Daddy’s Coming Home!
Okay, I am SO excited right now! Even more excited than last week when Ms. Johnson said my self-portrait looked like a sick monkey, which is …
Satan Declares Rap Superstar Fetty Wap “Not a Real Devil Worshiper”
The Dark Lord Satan, also known as Beelzebub, announced his disdain towards popular rapper Fetty Wap in a press conference Tuesday. The press conference, held in …
Nick Jonas Produces “Brokeback Mountain” Remake, Plays All Roles
After his stunning role as a shirtless, gay MMA Fighter in “Kingdom,” his role as a shirtless, gay frat boy in “Scream Queens,” and as a …
Top Ten Upcoming Alternative Energy Sources
Plug two generators into one another for endless energy Give internship credit to undergraduates for sitting around and spinning a wheel Power a generator with heat …
