Point: University of California, San Diego: One Big Homage to the Devil?
Greetings, children of the Great Shepherd, our Great Lord. I stand before you today with a message warning you to watch out for the great evil that plagued our world since its conception, thousands of years ago (let me remind you Geology majors that you are going against the word of God!).
That warning, my beloved children, is that the entire campus of UCSD is plagued by pagan signs and demonic symbols!
I mean really. Did you not see the Seven Deadly Sins listed right up on the sides of the Charles Powell building?! I mean at that point it’s just poor craftsmanship! I’ve seen finer, subtle work on the one dollar bill!
Also need I remind you about the wretched display of one Sun God? The Second Commandment says all believers have a right to bear arrrI mean Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me! And we all know it really pained God when he wrote this to stop Zeus. Zeus was getting a bit too wild and free with the whole sex thing and God wanted that to stop, okay? It’s not Him, it’s you.
And finally, SIX colleges? If you look at the names of all the colleges, it’s Revelle, Muir, Marshall, ERC, Warren, and Jacobs. Take the mean of those letters, then add one to it, and it comes up as 6.66. Nonono. Go ahead. Whip out a calculator and do the math. And then proceed to whip yourself to repent for using sinful technology.
Written by: By Rev. James Bae, Your Pastor From the Church Down the Street
Counter Point: You’re Cordially Invited to Triton’s First Satanic BBQ and GBM!
Satan be with you, ye wrongful creations of California. May the Dark Lord wretchedly smile your way and make you trip on a black cat.
Buuut! All formalities aside, hello, hello! We are finally having a first official Triton Satanic GBM this coming Saturday, because Sunday is when the church people realllllly like to test their new torches and pitchforks out, if you know what I mean.
For all ye first timers, this is the time where we gather to scheme and plan the Satanic overthrow of the world — and enjoy some fun activities we have planned out for you! Also there’s going to be some mean barbeque — don’t worry, it’s not spiked with any funny stuff. Just chili sauce. If we actually wanted to spike something we would have gone for the Kool-aid! Hahaha.
For all ye many-timers! You already know we hold discussions during our evil meetings to really take in to the philosophical area of Satanism. Last meeting’s discussion (before we unfortunately got into a lawsuit with the entire Deep South of the US): “Is the upside down cross a satanic sign? Should we keep using it?” The general consensus, much to Tiffany’s dissent (she’s still not over it), was No! Saint Peter was crucified that way, so technically an upside down cross is a Holy sign.
This meeting’s discussion: “Why is Satan bad if he tortures bad people for all eternity?” Study up! Get ready your papers, cite your sources properly! We may be the Devil’s worshippers, but people who plagiarize are the devil (3).
During or after the meeting, prizes! We will raffle away many satanic, pagan goods and decorations that could be hung on your Christmas trees! I’m going for the bejeweled, glitter-decorated skull of Amelia Earhart. All thanks to the Vaticaaa- I mean an anonymous organization for sponsoring us! Let’s just say we’re not the only ones. Oh and uhh … FYI, Christmas was copied from a Pagan holiday. Nonono. Go ahead. Google “Is Christmas Pagan?” I’ll wait.
Written by: By Cult Master Devin Lightbringer, Cult Event Organizer, C.E.O. for Short