Photo by: Jen Windsor
The Dark Lord Satan, also known as Beelzebub, announced his disdain towards popular rapper Fetty Wap in a press conference Tuesday. The press conference, held in the fourth circle of Hell, was the first time the figurative embodiment of evil, pain, and eternal damnation came out publicly about the use of his image and brand.
Satan addressed multiple issues concerning the state of Hell, including housing segregation within the second circle, relief measures following the flooding of the river Styx, and how participants of the #whitelivesmatter campaign are immediately banished from Heaven.
However, the most controversial of his points was a call out directed towards Fetty Wap, accusing him of being unworthy of calling himself a “devil worshipper” in the first line of his popular song “679.”
Satan described a variety of grievances towards the song and Fetty Wap specifically, noting “he has never even tweeted at me! Like, if you want to hit me up and call yourself a devil worshiper, that’s great. But at least put in some effort to actually worship me! I have seen no footage of you sacrificing a virgin in my name, nor have you ever made an altar to me from the bones of your enemies and/or whatever you can get from the butchers at Costco. You just have to ask for the bones. Plenty of people use them for stocks.”
Satan further elaborated on his disdain towards popular culture using his brand simply to seem more controversial. He went on to emphasize the importance of individuality within popular media and that using his likeness to drum up attention creates an ungenuine message to youths.
He said that although he would “love to see the world filled with hatred-filled, devil-worshipping children of the darkness,” that children should only take up what lifestyle fits their individual personality. His brand, he elaborated “is one of unwavering independence from the superficial, materialistic world, and it makes me sad when someone is performing a ritual incorrectly. Especially when they aren’t even draped in one of my patent pending ‘LucifeRobes,’ available at all street corners from a man dressed in all black who recently yelled ‘Bitch I’m from the fifth circle, Oakland!’ And only for a modest $19.95!”
Public reaction has been mixed following the press conference, with an outpour of youths over social media causing the worldwide trending of #realdevilworshiper, #atleastabonealtar, #satanicthinspo and #fetawrapsforfettywap.
Fetty Wap made an Instagram video Friday in response to Satan’s statements, declaring “Bitch Imma do me zoo gang all day! But I also recognize that my message was not genuine and could be construed by my youthful demographic to pursue something not because of passion, but because it is controversial and attention grabbing. Youths today have it hard enough as it is trying to navigate this world and sending out a message to conform to a certain series of ideals that I do not even follow wholeheartedly was a huge mistake. Squaaaaaaaaaa!”
Written by: Trevor Malone
