Written by: The MQ

Point: School Dress Codes Are
Unnecessary and Unreasonable

Middle school was the worst six years of my life. When I was 11 years old, I was deeply traumatized. I had just bought this beautiful new dress. Everything about it was perfect: the color, the material, the way it fit my awkward, pre-adolescent body. As I walked to my desk, I could hear a hush fall over the room. It’s the dress, I thought to myself. I must look breathtaking! My bubble was burst, however, when my teacher motioned me over and told me that my clothing was inappropriate for school because I was showing “too much midriff” and the spaghetti straps let everyone see “both of my fully exposed vaginas.”

He told me that my outfit would distract boys in class and that I needed to go home. I was distraught, but something inside me clicked that day. I vowed to never again bow my head to the oppressive system that was the dress code. Over the next few years, I would wear, among other things, a skirt that exposed my achilles tendons, sleeves that left my elbows out in the open, and shirts that showed that weird dip in the space just below your neck where your collar bones meet. None of which were deemed acceptable.

These kinds of restrictions are unreasonable. I am calling for some clemency from school administrations nationwide. For example, I remember in high school that I was not permitted to wear shorts or dresses that hung more than five inches above the kneecap. It would be much more reasonable to enforce a maximum of four and fifteen sixteenths of an inch.

Come on, society. Use some common sense. Are exposed shoulders really so distracting that we need to penalize young girls for the way they choose to dress and express themselves?

Written by: By Miranda Von, McPhannerannarininski Empowered Woman

Counter Point: Dude, Check Out That Girl’s Shoulders

DAAYYUUUUM. Someone call heaven, they’ve lost an angel! Those shoulders — those divine, most pristine shoulders — they are. Fully. Exposed!
I don’t know how I’m supposed to learn in this context. I mean, fluid dynamics aren’t really that difficult, but come on — how can I learn when one of this girl’s shoulders is slightly tanner than the other? The left one has a peculiar mole that I’m worried might be early-stage melanoma. I should say something if I ever break free of this trance that the shoulders have put me in.

Also, those are some muscular fucking shoulders. This girl must work out like crazy — I wonder how I can get ripped like that. She must clean and jerk an awful lot. I’d also like to see her snatch.

Those are the kind of shoulders that I would love to grind into a fine powder and sprinkle over pistachio ice cream — slowly. I just want to melt them down and mould them into fine silverware. I want to make the sweet music of love with them — they would be perfect to use as percussion instruments in the fire mixtape that I’m dropping later this year.

Wow. I really am very distracted. Focus, man, focus! You can do this. Just look down and keep taking notes. I should just stop thinking about it. Should just … should … SHOULDERS.

I really miss dress codes. I learned so much more when girls dressed modestly. Now, if only she would just be satisfied with keeping her entire body covered at all times … Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

By Mr. Dude Bro, Professional Man

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