Nick Jonas Produces “Brokeback Mountain” Remake, Plays All Roles


Written by: The MQ

This all started when someone told Nick Jonas to “go fuck himself” a couple of years ago.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

After his stunning role as a shirtless, gay MMA Fighter in “Kingdom,” his role as a shirtless, gay frat boy in “Scream Queens,” and as a shirtless headliner for the traditionally gay-oriented Pittsburgh Pride Festival, heterosexual singer/actor Nick Jonas has set his sights on what he describes as the “Holy ‘Gayl’” of queer cinema, “Brokeback Mountain.”

“The gay community has been so supportive of me since I started my acting career,” Jonas said, ignoring his role as “Nick” in Disney Channel’s classic sitcom, “Jonas.” “And I think the best way for me to take advantage of that support is to market towards them as much as possible.”

The remake, directed by James Franco, will star Jonas as all gay and bisexual characters, including Jack, Ennis, Randall, and all male prostitutes using film techniques “a la ‘The Parent Trap.’”

Franco, who is also known for producing classic gay pornos like “Interior: Leather Bar” and the upcoming “King Cobra,” said that he really enjoys adding his perspective to the sex scenes. “By the end of this I want to make “Fifty Shades of Gray” look like “Pride and Prejudice”. And I mean the original film, where all they do is square dance and act snippy.”

“It’s a very bold move on behalf of Franco and Jonas that we’re confident will pay off in the end,” raves an early review by “Out Magazine”. The Advocate has also chimed in, declaring the film “definitely not an insult to Heath Ledger’s memory.”

Members of the gay community are also excited. Alex Cerena, a freshman from Muir college, said, “As a gay man, I can assure you I am sincerely touched by Nick’s willingness to support our community by balancing it on his bicep.” Fellow student Martin Hopper also voiced his support, saying,

Honestly, I’m so desperate I’d watch anything if two guys kiss.”

“I love my gay fans,” Jonas repeated several times with different intonations. “I love my gay fans. I love my gay fans. Yeah, that’s it.”

The remake will also be adapted into a musical, presenting some of Jonas’s more popular songs. “‘Jealous’ was really easy to incorporate into the plot,” Jonas explained, “as was ‘Levels’ out now on iTunes and Google Music. ‘Chains’ was a little harder, but Franco did a great job incorporating into a really tasteful BDSM scene we wrote for the second half.”

When asked if the infamous “tent scene” from the original film would be included, Jonas said “you’ll have to watch it to find out” while fanning himself with his own shirt.

In the meanwhile, Jonas looks forward to doing the traditional things a “gay icon” does: appearing in clubs, guest judging on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and deflecting comments about his sexuality.

Written by: Evvan Burke

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *