After a campus wide Internet shortage, ResNet promised to address all complaints by installing state-of-the-art dial-up modems.
“This is a serious problem, despite what anyone would think,” said Jared Rounds, Head Internet Guy of ResNet. “The Interwebs are essential for students to be able to access their AOL accounts, watch pixelated videos of cats, and slowly load porn.”
To fix the problem, ResNet has taken it upon themselves to buy every dial-up modem on Craigslist and eBay and install them in every dorm room.
“It’s great to finally have access again,” said Revelle sophomore Henry Ripley. “Before I had to stare at my computer, waiting for hours, not knowing if I would even get online. Now I can just hook into the modem and listen to a screeching dial tone for hours and know for sure I will get access.”
This upgrade is one of many implemented to make sure every student gets access to academic resources. Other upgrades include VCRs in every lounge, a Walkman for every suite, and a telegraph line for cross-campus communication.
“It’s a great feeling to have a school that cares about its students and their needs,” said Ripley. “I just wish my roommate would get off the phone so I could actually get online.”