Volume 25
Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal. Photo by Jack Yang Locals were relieved last Thursday to find that …
Graduating Senior Excited to Study Abroad, Put Off the Inevitable
Hykins was reportedly enthralled when she purchased her “one-way ticket from Berlin to unemployment.” Photo by Stephen Lightfoot In an attempt to ignore the inevitability of …
Point/Counterpoint: Going Pre-med is the Hardest Route a College Student Can Take/Objection, Your Honor
Going Pre-med is the Hardest Route a College Student Can Take By Baxter Washington Pre-med Student Out of all potential career paths college students can take, …
Facebook Launches an Automated Stalking Feature Across its Services
“That backsplash does not go with those cabinets,” commented Zuckerberg while looking through a user’s window.Photo by Jack Yang In a post on Tuesday morning, Facebook …
In Response to UCSD Spam Quarantine Complaints, UCSD Sends More Spam Emails
“Apparently, a postcard from my parents didn’t arrive because my mailbox was full, but this is well-formatted, I guess,” shared one Warren student after checking her …
Local Human-Sized Koi Fish Actually Human Criminals in Disguise
The parents of the perpetrators reportedly tried defending their children, saying, “You know what they say, ‘kois will be kois.’”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot There has been …
New Wave of Construction on Sixth Apartments Makes Students Exit onto I-5
“On the bright side, the construction went straight through Foodworx,” said one student who crossed the freeway and survived. Photo by Jack Yang UC San Diego …
Top Ten Ways Science Ruined Sports
1. Now that you know the exact size of a football field, it’s kind of lost its magic as a unit of measurement
2. In order to get statistically significant results, baseball players have to play 90 innings
3. Global warming means that eventually the only sport left will be water polo
4. It stopped being fun when a zoologist gave you a literal pigskin to play football with
5. Scientists invented concussions
6. Drug testing
7. You can never figure out how much acidball to balance out your baseball
8. They made you use the metric system, so now you have to play 0.3 meterball
9. They forced you to wear that stupid helmet
10. Someone came up with an unethical psychological experiment called golf
this experimental self-driving tank will change the way we commute to work
Traditional automobile makers create their cars in this predictable shape: four wheels attached to a body. Of course, there’s more to it than that — there’s …
this almond farmer uses less water so he can take long showers
When it comes to almond farming, water is the main event. From the groundwater to the plumbing, water runs deep in the lifestyle of the Brightson …
