Briefs

Briefs

Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’

Written by: Justin Xu

This year, wealthy parents in Beverly Hills are using a new method to scare their children into behaving. Instead of using classic monsters like the Bogeyman, …

Briefs

Hospitality to be Dissolved Following HDH Merger

Written by: Janice Kim

Residential, Retail and Supply Chain Services (RRSS) has officially been established as the supergroup of departments that aim to “activate the UC San Diego campus.” The …

Briefs

Diamondbacks Backer Backs Train

Written by: Theo Erickson

In a move that reportedly shocked fans who claimed they were led to believe they’d been buying merchandise for a baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ ventures …

Briefs

Sports Fan Hits Record Setting Parlay

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

When Shohei Ohtani created the 50/50 club on September 19, sports better Lassie Molah celebrated the historic achievement for more than one reason, as it completed …

Briefs

Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold

Written by: Erica Rosslee

A local man has been banned from his town after subjecting his family and neighbors to “cabbage-related crimes against humanity.” According to his 17-year-old daughter, “One …

Briefs

US To Be Joined by the UK in Celebrating Independence Day

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak surprised many when he announced that the United Kingdom’s general election would be held earlier than expected, on July 4. “I called …

Briefs

UCSD Student Discovers Arts Majors

Written by: Naomika Nadkarni

After reading UC San Diego’s tentative funding plan for the 2024–2025 academic year, Biochemistry major Beaker Labson was “floored” to learn about UCSD’s numerous renowned art …

Briefs

Tesla Develops 10-Horsepower Horse

Written by: James Woolley

The recent Cybertruck recall was described by Elon Musk as a “fuckstorm unlike any seen since the Titanic” in a company-wide email which, according to one …

Briefs

Dave Chappelle Sprains Elbow Punching Down

Written by: Justin Xu

Stand-up comic Dave Chappelle recently canceled all upcoming shows for the foreseeable future. “I woke up like I did any other day, thanking God for making …

Briefs

Former Child Star Explores Career Opportunities

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Star of hit Disney Channel show Fairy Godmother, Alina Jay, has been spotted around La Jolla trying out a variety of careers. Meg, insider source and …