Briefs
Handshake Debuts Venture
Owing to record low engagement between students, the industry partners of UC San Diego, and its hiring partner Handshake; the two groups are unveiling an initiative …
Muir ResLife Instructs Students to Defecate in HDH-Provided Trash Bins
On Wednesday, October 23, Muir students were informed that residential plumbing systems would be disabled due to a cold water shutoff. As a result, students were …
UCSD to Replace Inner Loop and Outer Loop With Two Train Lines
UC San Diego Transportation Services spokesperson Bethnal Green has announced that as part of the school’s commitment to sustainability, the Inner Loop and Outer Loop shuttles …
Oxford Comma Reintroduced to UCSD Ecosystem
The end of Week 3 saw the gathering of conservationists and conversationalists in an event reported to be “marked by the scent of fresh ink and …
Professor Passes Illness to Students, Demands Classes Continue
UC San Diego Public Health professor Richard Robinson has demanded his classes’ midterms continue in person despite a severe outbreak of COVID-19 among his students. In …
Executive Committee Prepares for Start of Quarter Dance-off
In accordance with the founding principles of the University of California, members of the executive commitee, including Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla, must defend their positions in …
Hell to Now Feature Ads
In a bold new update to the afterlife, Satan has announced that Hell will now include advertisements in its landscape of eternal torment. When asked to …
Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’
This year, wealthy parents in Beverly Hills are using a new method to scare their children into behaving. Instead of using classic monsters like the Bogeyman, …
Hospitality to be Dissolved Following HDH Merger
Residential, Retail and Supply Chain Services (RRSS) has officially been established as the supergroup of departments that aim to “activate the UC San Diego campus.” The …
Diamondbacks Backer Backs Train
In a move that reportedly shocked fans who claimed they were led to believe they’d been buying merchandise for a baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ ventures …
