Articles
Trump Solves Opioid Problem, Won’t Share the Oxycodone
Just two weeks after the president declared the opioid crisis, a “serious problem the likes of which we have never had,” Trump commissioned the U.S. Attorney’s …
Area Men in “Stall Standoff” as Both Refuse to Poop Until the Other Leaves Restroom
After five days of awkward coughing, sneaker squeaking, and forced grunts, area men Chris Matthews and Matt Chrishews have stood their ground in what the locals …
Climate Change Denier Asked for Proof, Points to Rainbow
Area environmental scientists asked Matthew Baker, a local climate change denier and activist, for proof during a debate on the existence of climate change and humanity’s …
Sarah McLachlan Finally Adopted into Loving Home
Every day in America, thousands of animals suffer from cruelty and neglect. Thousands were rescued last year, and for one Canadian pop star, help finally came. …
Chinese Students Protest Dalai Lama Speech by Annexing Tibetan Student Association
The Chinese Student and Scholars Association has stepped up its recent protests against the 14th Dalai Lama being named the keynote speaker at this year’s Commencement …
Area Yuppie’s Parents Unable to Pay Bills or Convince Son to “Help out a Bit”
Charles Crosby and Abigail Johnson, parents of young urban professional Edward Crosby-Johnson, received their third late billing notice from Bethesda Naval Hospital on Thursday. Their inability …
Police Investigate UCSD, Still Unsure If Arsons Were Crime or Civic Duty
On the morning of April 17, UCSD students awoke to learn that four of the Fairbanks coffee carts had gone up in flames in a coordinated …
PCP
POINT: You’re Making Me Uncomfortable With How Frequently You Write Fanfictions Josh, we need to talk. I know that you’re enjoying your … “creative writing” and I …
Bystander-Performed Surgery Not Completely Fatal, Proves Non-Necessity of Healthcare
San Diego local Marc Lehman was reported as “still mostly alive” after suffering a severe car crash in early May. Lehman’s survival is being hailed by …
Graduating Senior Finds Graduated Cylinder More Accurate Than “Eyeballing It”
Last week, graduating senior Hank Marlon had a huge discovery when he was about to enter his last laboratory class, BIMM 121. He came forward in …
