Local Man Incorrectly Insists He Finally Knows What LGBT Stands For


Written by: Rhys Shriver


“As you have probably gathered from this presentation,” said Ross Christopher, “I’m no longer allowed in Subway restaurants.” Photo by: Daniel Kupor

Yesterday, after several weeks of self-proclaimed careful thought and intensive research, local man Ross Christopher has reportedly “finally figured out what LGBT stands for.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever get it, but I finally put it together. It stands for Lesbian and Gay Bitter Time,” insisted Christopher, followed by the very audible groans of his nearby friends. “It took me a while to realize that LGBT was about gay people. Didn’t figure that one out until, like, attempt number five, and that was a huge surprise.”

This discovery is the eighth endeavor in an ongoing series of Christopher’s attempts to identify what LGBT stands for. “It began last month near the end one of Christopher’s Dungeons & Dragons sessions, when I said I was happy to have finally gotten to play a game for LGBT people,” said one of Christopher’s friends, Dorian Taylor. “He pulled me aside after we finished, and asked me what LGBT stood for. When I told him, he said, ‘That can’t be right,’ before packing up and rushing off.”

Christopher claimed that after that conversation, he had gone home to read the D&D manual before coming to his initial conclusion of LGBT standing for “Lutes and Glaives are Bardic Tools.” Several of his other notable attempts include “Legs Glutes Butts and Thighs,” “Limes Grapes Blueberries and Tangerines,” and “Lineart Gets Bpretty Tough.”

“How he got the lineart one is beyond me,” said Virgil Woolf, another of Christopher’s friends, halfway through a dramatic eye roll. “My favorite was ‘Lettuce Gay Bacon and Tomatoes,’ which is, hilariously and tragically, the closest he’d gotten so far. I don’t know why it’s taking him so long, our entire friend group is basically LGBT, you’d think he’d have put two and two together by now.”

Despite the amount of information immediately accessible to him via his friend group, Christopher allegedly gets the majority of his data from Reddit forums, various Blogspot posts, and a highly reputable series of essays written by a middle school student in 1993.

“You know, this one time he showed me his pinboard for the whole thing,” Taylor stated. “It was like a scene from a crime movie, where there’s like dozens of strings connecting various articles and pictures, and lots of words like ‘Lancaster’ and ‘Bees.’ I swear, there was even a picture of Carly Rae Jepsen circled a bunch, with the phrase ‘CRJ is Queen?’ written in the corner.”

Earlier this week, Christopher had reportedly tweeted, “It’s just really hard. What could the last two letters even be? Like I asked what the B stood for, and was told ‘Bye,’ like that was it! WTF”

At press time, Christopher was said to be pacing in front of his pinboard while listening to Hayley Kiyoko’s “Girls Like Girls” and tapping his chin with a pencil, muttering, “B stands for Babadook, T stands for … trains?”

Content Editor at The MQ

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