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Jeff Bezos Releases Best-selling Novel, “If You Give a Minimum Wage Worker Respect”

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Bezos is slated to release a sequel next year, titled If You Give Your Wife Respect.Photo by James Woolley Last Wednesday, former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos …

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Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus

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“This would be a beautiful sight if my essay wasn’t on that computer,” one student commented.Photo By Maria Dhilla On Thursday afternoon, the cybersecurity office at …

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Photoshop Object Select Stops Identifying Women, Claims They Are Not Objects

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“Good thing I still have MS Paint on my computer,” said Dugnutt. “Microsoft doesn’t give a shit about objectifying women.”Photo By Sharon Roth Recently, Adobe has …

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UCSD Announces Virtual Classes To Be Held in the Metaverse

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“Many of you have asked about a grading curve,” said one professor. “Well let me introduce you to a product that keeps YOURcurves in top condition.”Photo …

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Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs

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Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …

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Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage

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“The oil lasting for eight days was no miracle,” said Zelda. “Back then, people didn’t live under Joe Biden’s gas prices.”Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday …

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Statisticians Create New Phe-Nominal Scale for Extra Special Data Points

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“Noferror’s rebuttal of my use of medians was valid, but some of the comments made by other statisticians were just plain mean,” said Stribution.Photo by Maria Dhilla …

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Santa Claus Teams With Jeff Bezos, Can Finally “Watch Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice”

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Due to a global resource shortage, Santa and Bezos are considering employing naughty kids in coal mines.Photo by Maria Dhilla This holiday season, former Amazon CEO Jeff …

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Facebook Whistleblower Reveals the Internet is Still a Giant Cesspool

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“FaceBOOK? Kids these days won’t even know what those things are,” complained one spokesperson.Photo by Jack Yang An ex-employee of Facebook has come forward with a set …

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President Xi Jinping’s Family-Friendly, Close-Up Magic TikTok Series Goes Viral

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After the new plan was enacted on the platform, tensions have reportedly risen between the BTS Army and the People’s Liberation Army.Photo by Sharon Roth Since the …