When asked for comment, many corporate executives were found unresponsive with cameras off.
Photo by Justin Xu
This October, Zoom Communications, Inc. plans to add “business-forward” tools and applications onto their Workplace suite. The Zoom Workplace app — already an aggregate of video calling, contact managing, direct messaging, channel-based group chatting, document making and managing, screen recording, survey creating, note taking, free drawing, and calendar keeping features — will introduce more in-app functionality and admin tools for office convenience, meriting the upgraded name “Zoom Commonplace.” Employers eagerly anticipate the overhauled work suite, citing that their offices will have “no excuse” not to “be on that shit.”
Doyle Bluebrick, principal engineer at Qualcomm Incorporated and prospective adopter of Commonplace, voiced support for the Workplace suite and a warning to his employees in the Workplace Team Chat of which he moderates. “Watch yourselves. When I moved us over to Team Chat, sure, it’s because Trello is a sonuvabitch. But with splitscreen Team Chat #announcement-channel and event calendar functionality, several slackers here have still cited ‘personal issues’ with making it to meetings within the first two minutes, I mean really! And the competitive market we have in this nation requires you not only to answer emails promptly, but also answer work calls. With Workplace, they’re all in the same place for you, for cripe’s sake! I had half a mind to replace you all with interns who actually prioritize quarterly success above it all, but your sorry asses get to keep my captainship for a while longer… I heard you can practically live on Commonplace, so no excuses from here on out if I can’t reach you.”
“While AI companies vie in the convenience arms race, we’ve got our sights on the Microsoft Office suite,” said Zoom Chief Operating Officer Zoe Orange in a public 10,000-plus person product conference Zoom room. “Excel? We could probably clone that. Copilot? Our PR guys have been throwing around… what will they call it? Zoomer? Would you guys ‘chat’ with ‘Zoomer?’ Seeing some shaking head reacts, okay. Moving on. Our real goal is to synergize employees to employers, ’round the world and ’round the clock. Strong economies need work-work! America can’t fall behind weaker economies, which is why we’re excited to announce Zoom Boost as part of the Commonplace suite.
“Boost, as the name implies, enhances productivity and morale. Team Admins will have webcam live feeds wherever Commonplace is installed, allowing nonintrusive welfare and timekeeping check-ins. AI-assisted eye-tracking alerts both you and the offending teammate if time is mismanaged. With Commonplace also available on mobile, all GPS-capable devices will use AI and map data to determine if teammates are in reachable locations, and will automatically update profile status to ‘available’ even when the Commonplace app is closed. With more planned features such as screentime reports and remote blocking of distracting apps and sites, your team will finally be on the same page, all the time.”
Economists predict that Commonplace alone will have a measurable impact on GDP. While no mass firings are predicted to take place — the federal report on the job market states that “jobs are still going up… have been, still going to”— some executives see the product release as an opportunity to appraise employee loyalty.
“I am positively frothing,” continued Bluebrick on a team-wide push notification. “Judgment comes. Synergize with the company, or you’ll sinner-dies… yeah, you get it. Work shifts are a thing of the past. Where the needle falls on work-life balance, that’s in the eye of the beholder. But brother, I’m an aberration. Zoom is my lair, and it’s giving me a lot of actions I can take.”
Amit is a cog in this machine. But doesn't everything run on optic cables or something?
