News
Incoming Freshman Tells Herself She Won’t Procrastinate in College
When asked how she felt about starting college, first-year student Jennifer Watson said that she, like many other college freshmen, was just eager to start with …
Freshman Excited to Start Anthropology Major after Third Time Seeing Jurassic Park
Having just started her first year at UCSD, Ariel Stewart has been described by her roommates as being “unreasonably excited” to be studying her true passion: …
MLB Unveils New Sport: Baseball 2
In a surprise press release yesterday, the MLB announced that they had invented a groundbreaking new sport. Rob Manfred, Commissioner of the MLB, took to Twitter …
7th College to Be Called Pradeep Khosla College, Namer Still Unknown
UCSD recently announced a new addition to their college system, which will be named after current Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. Khosla assured reporters that this was “the …
Local Hero Finished Watching All Porn so You Don’t Have To
La Jolla resident Henry Basta has achieved what many men have only only dreamed of; he is the first man to have successfully watched every pornographic …
Incoming Freshmen Ready to Reinvent Themselves for College, Still Sad
A study released this week by the University of California, San Diego has concluded that although most incoming freshmen believe college is time to turn over …
New Study Advocates for Two Hours of Exorcising a Day
In a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on …
Trump Administration Discovered To Be an Improv Camp for the Wealthy
In the past few weeks, many Americans have been awestruck by how seemingly messily and uncoordinatedly the Trump Administration has been conducting business. However, there seems …
Local Man Incorrectly Insists He Finally Knows What LGBT Stands For
Yesterday, after several weeks of self-proclaimed careful thought and intensive research, local man Ross Christopher has reportedly “finally figured out what LGBT stands for.” “I didn’t …
Area Man Mutters He’s Sick of Your Passive Aggression, Still Within Earshot and He Knows It
San Diego authorities issued a public safety warning on Monday after local businessman Kevin Ansler was seen sitting in a coffee shop with his coworker and …
