News
UCSD Restructures Parking System, Now Offering “Go Fuck Yourself” Permits
UC San Diego Transportation Services recently announced a change to the permit system in an effort to address some of the problems with the current structure. …
Smart Projector’s Insecurities Manifest, “Why Does Everyone Else Have Malware?”
Engineers at Pesarch Technologies have fallen victim to a controversy which has been described as what Pesarch CEO Lans Priceton calls “A big mistake.” In an …
Protests in Charlottesville on Black Friday, White Nationalists Upset with Name
On November 24, approximately 200 white nationalists and members of the alt-right gathered in Charlottesville, Virginia’s Emancipation Park to protest Black Friday’s nomenclature. Charlottesville police were …
US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatory Mints
Starting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s …
UCSD Ranked Second Among Universities that Look Like a Shoe From Aerial View
US News has ranked UCSD second among universities that look like a shoe if viewed from a helicopter. This continues UCSD’s legacy of receiving high rankings …
Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist
Last week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in …
Ghost of John Muir Spotted on Campus, Seen Hoarding Beef Jerky
Following October 31, an anonymous Muir student was suddenly hospitalized after he reported seeing the ghost of John Muir lurking in the bowels of Pines and …
Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet
Two weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of …
Manic Pixie Dream Girl Chosen to Be New Movie Lead
Last Sunday, October 29, famous director Garrold Scottgard announced his decision to cast Burgundy Jennson in a completely unwanted live-action version of the popular anime and …
Local Student Throws Trash in Recycling Bin, Fixes Society
A recent speech on the prospects of recycling given by John “The Revolutionary” McBon has “challenged everything we ever knew about disposing of paper plates,” according …
