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Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away
“The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.Photo by Jack Yang In the wake of COVID-19 …
Dr. Fauci Equips Arm-Mounted Syringe Cannon, Intends to Distribute Vaccines “Whether Americans Like It or Not”
An eyewitness was heard saying, “I’ve never vac-seen a sexier person.”Photo by Jack Yang Last Thursday in Bethesda, Maryland, during the quiet hours before the morning traffic …
Florida Governor Passes “Frenchifying” Mandate to Boost European Tourism
The water skier was reportedly heard saying, “Ouiiiii!”Photo by Sharon Roth Many Florida residents are outraged by a new mandate passed by Governor Jean-Claude Bernard requiring all …
Mall Santa “a Little Too Eager” To Let Kid Sit On His Lap
Jones reportedly signed a non-disclosure agreement with a statute of limitations claus.Photo by Jack Yang Public suspicion has been rising surrounding Heritage Plaza Mall Santa Carl Jones, …
Christmas Cancelled After Unmitigated Spread of COVID-19 in Santa’s Workshop
Santa was heard saying, “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Coughy, on Wheezy! On Comet, and Cupid, Fatigue, and Diseasey!”Photo by Sharon Roth As the end of the …
Moviegoers Petition to Implement New “PP” Rating for Pre-Pandemic Films, Citing Dangerous Behavior
Theaters have increased the number of showing times for Jim Carrey’s “The Mask.”Photo by Stephen Lightfoot A new viral campaign, called the PG-PP Movement, has emerged …
Academic Integrity Office Overwhelmed by Instances of Students “Venting” During Exam
A hard limit was placed on emergency meetings called during quizzes.Photo by Sharon Roth The Academic Integrity Office has reported 425 new cases of students being …
Area Woman Living Alone With Three Cats Insists: “I’m Fine!”
“Do we live just to die?” asked Monroe. “Meow,” said her cat.Photo by Sharon Roth The quarantining caused by the COVID-19 pandemic has stretched on for over …
Bowling Balls to No Longer Be Made With Chocolate Center Starting in 2021
Healthy eating advocates support the change, claiming: “Less chocolate is right up our alley!”Photo by Jack Yang The storied sport of bowling rolled into a new era …
Denny’s Twitter Account Granted Human Rights
The ruling has redefined what it means to be human, causing many to have “eggsistential crises.”Photo by Sharon Roth The landmark Supreme Court ruling ‘Denny’s v. Thomas’ …
