Mall Santa “a Little Too Eager” To Let Kid Sit On His Lap

Written by: Megan Cox

Jones reportedly signed a non-disclosure agreement with a statute of limitations claus.
Photo by Jack Yang

Public suspicion has been rising surrounding Heritage Plaza Mall Santa Carl Jones, who is reportedly encouraging children to sit on his lap despite COVID-19 restrictions.

Mall Property Manager Fred Carroll said Carl Jones was hired to play Santa Claus at Heritage Mall due to his “unmatched enthusiasm” and extensive resume. “I knew Carl was gonna be the best guy for this job,” said Carroll in a recent press statement, “He had more experience working with kids than any of our other applicants. He has been a Boy Scout troop leader for the last seven years. Before that, he spent 13 volunteering with the youth group of his Catholic Church.”

In response to critics of having dozens of children sit on a stranger’s lap during a deadly pandemic, Jones is quick to remind people that COVID-19 is not by physical contact. “Coronavirus is not spread by contact!” said Jones. “The CDC said it. It is factual. Look it up. It is totally safe for these kids to sit on my lap. I just know these kids love sitting on my bouncing knee and whispering in my ear what they want for Christmas. It’s a very intimate moment that means a lot to us — them … It means a lot to them. I can’t believe you want to take that away from me.” After Jones made the statement, he stared off blankly into space for what witnesses called “an uncomfortable amount of time.”

Iris Evans, who plays Mrs. Claus at the Mall, claims she was always on edge around Jones. “I knew Carl was an odd duck since he pulled up to the interview in a white van with the windows blacked out. Since then he really hasn’t paid much interest to me, he’s one of those people who is just all about the kids. I thought it was just that natural grandparent instinct, but then he told me he didn’t have any kids. I have been cautious considering the state of the pandemic, but I took this job to really help safely spread some Christmas cheer during these tough times. Carl is just always insisting that we aren’t doing enough and that we need to interact with the kids more.”

Jones has even offered to extend his hours to be open past mall hours. He has offered starting a “VIP Santa Experience” where he has individual time with the visiting children to “privately discuss their Christmas wishes away from the judgmental eyes of their parents.”

Jones reportedly does not accept money for this position, saying “The Holiday Season is just all about me and the kids,” said Jones. “That’s why they call it ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’”

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

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