Florida Governor Passes “Frenchifying” Mandate to Boost European Tourism


Written by: Gage Tanzman

The water skier was reportedly heard saying, “Ouiiiii!”
Photo by Sharon Roth

Many Florida residents are outraged by a new mandate passed by Governor Jean-Claude Bernard requiring all major cities to “frenchify” their names and change key aspects of the city in order to draw more French tourists. The order comes amidst the slow reopening of the world in the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic. While much of Europe and the world to the East are seeing life return to normal, Florida, like many American states, is struggling to revive its tourism industry.

Residents all across the state have reportedly expressed dismay at the new order. Jonah Mann, from Orlandeux, previously Orlando, protested the changes, saying “This doesn’t make any sense! We’re supposed to call our sandwiches Croque Cubans now? This is crazy, even for me, and I’m a Florida Man!”

Some cities, such as Miami, have embraced the new changes. The new “MonAmi” has gone so far as to rename some of its most key features. The Art Deco district has become L’art Décor, and Little Havana is now known as Petit Havanonhonhon. Even Miami’s famed football team, the Miami Dolphins, have changed their name to Les Dalle-fin. Wide receiver Ryan DeMartin stated, “I looked it up, and that doesn’t even make sense. Dalle means ‘slab,’ and fin means ‘end.’ Like, what?”

The city formerly known as Jacksonville, on the other hand, has not taken to the changes kindly. The city is now known as Jacksonc’est- la-ville, a personal favorite of Governor Bernard. “Parce-que, ‘ville’ en france sounds just like the word vie, non? C’est la ville!” Even so, Jackson-c’est-laville residents refuse to acknowledge the change. One man who wished to remain anonymous reportedly suggested he would take the governor “for a long walk down a short pier.” He was later arrested for his usage of the word pier, which now must be pronounced “Pierre.”

Full support for the mandate from Bernard is hardly unexpected. Over the course of his term as governor, Bernard has attempted to pass similar legislation a record six times. The self- proclaimed “Francophile” celebrated the success of this most recent order with a televised speech, declaring, “Zut alors! This is a great victory, non? You say three times charm, I say ready sept go!”

The Floridian economy has yet to see any increased revenue. While many reportedly believe this is due to the ineffectiveness of the order, many others argue the lack of European tourism is due to the widespread mishandling of a deadly pandemic by Americans. The truth is yet to be seen. Until then, Bernard has reportedly alluded to larger plans. “In the words of the younger generation, let us baguette this bread, non?”

Assistant Copy Editor and Muir Ambassador at The MQ

When Gage is not pondering time and relativity, she is busy spreading kindness and laughter, not only through sharing sushi with her friends, but also by making fun of the human condition and our shared experiences. In an ideal world, Gage and her cat would be battling mean people and making the world a brighter place.

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