A hard limit was placed on emergency meetings called during quizzes.
Photo by Sharon Roth
The Academic Integrity Office has reported 425 new cases of students being removed from active testing sites. When questioned about the reasons behind a sudden surge of dishonesty, the Academic Integrity Office blamed “imposters,” describing them as “lawless extraterrestrial students who refuse to pay anything but in-state tuition.”
Recent academic integrity offense reports included faking tasks, venting, and brutally murdering fellow students. “This is an entirely new phenomenon,” claimed the director of the Academic Integrity Office, Cheryl Copeland. “Venting,” she described, means “literally sneaking through air vents in an effort to hide from responsibility and blame.” According to their research, Copeland claims these strategies “hardly work and are a sad and miserable last-ditch effort.”
“I can assure you that the number of imposters in this school is being reduced rapidly as we speak,” the director said. “And let it be known that these murders are practically misdemeanors when you compare them to the disgusting, heinous act of sharing code in a CS class. Despicable. Those are the people who really deserve to be shunted out of an airlock into open space.”
According to a recent study, 37 percent of the reports come from UCSD’s professors and exam proctors. Many claim to have caught students in the act. “I’m not usually one to be, as the kids say, ‘sus’ of my students,” said David Warren, a professor at UCSD. “But as a teacher of integrity, I feel it’s worth saying something when I see a knife-shaped object sticking out of a student’s oversized UCSD hoodie. It’s the principle of the thing.”
Many of the reports, however, are facing scrutiny as being falsified. Some reports are from fellow students accusing their peers. “Whether or not the evidence is lacking, mob mentality has moved many supposed imposters straight to Academic Integrity Office.” said third-year Josh Peckins. This, according to Peckins, leaves room for what he called, “lies, deception, and absolute backstabbery.” “I’m not suspicious. Straight up,” Josh insisted, speaking of a case where he was removed from his testing site after a report from a student eight rows down was deemed valid by the Academic Integrity Office. “The dude was lying. I saw him vent, but everyone was like, ‘Oh, not Ryan. He’s so nice. He walked with me to Electrical.’ They’re gonna regret it big-time when he leaves them with only their spine sticking out of their body … did y’all know we only had one bone?”
Many students say they don’t feel remorse for voting out their peers. “I’m just trying to do my tasks,” said one freshman, who wished to remain anonymous. “And one of those tasks is staying alive. Suck it, Josh.” Second-year Marietta Flores said, “I’m not usually one to accuse people, but I felt it was necessary. I thought he was kinda sus when he just stared at the test and didn’t do anything. He might’ve just been lost as hell, but I wasn’t going to take any chances.”
Despite the uptick in cases, the Academic Integrity Office will reportedly not receive any extra funding. Chancellor Khosla has refused to make a statement, claiming to be “too busy not sabotaging the lights and school funding,” in his newest email, which also provides information on the new “vent-sealing” construction making its way onto campus this winter.