Local
Study Shows Journalism to Be Sexiest Career
A recent study conducted by the American Press Institute revealed that pursuing a career in journalism is the most effective path for increased perceived attraction. The …
Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter
Punxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. …
Local White Person Plays Uno “Reverse” Card on Racism Accusation
San Diego resident Arnold Zimmerman, upon being arrested for a hate crime in an East County Denny’s, attempted to deflect charges by presenting the police with …
Study Shows Most Anti-Vaxxers Are Just Kids Afraid of Needles
A report from the Center for Disease Control has found that 95 percent of the anti-vaccination movement is composed of people with a fear of needles. …
Local Frat Star Says “Fuck It,” Respects Women
Following a week of continuous drunkenness and intoxication, TriAlpha member Richard McDaniel shocked his fraternity brothers by denouncing sexism, homophobia, and racism in one fell swoop. …
New Parents Celebrate Their Fetus’ Genitalia With Cake and Explosions
Last night, parents-to-be Donna and Eric Henway sent out invitations to their upcoming party where they plan to reveal the nature of their unborn child’s genitals …
New Avocado-Filled California King Mattresses Take the Country by Storm
In an unexpected trend sweeping the United States, many American couples are redefining the few hours they spend asleep by switching to avocado-filled mattresses. The precise …
Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective
Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …
Area Man Eats Entire Country of Turkey for Thanksgiving
Otto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. …
Local Renaissance Faire Holiday Feast Serves Blood of a Heretic Instead of Turkey
A local Renaissance faire “spiced up” their Thanksgiving feast this year with authentic medieval cuisine, including the boiled blood of a heretic. “I’m just happy to …
