Volume 31 Issue 1
UC Regents Bans Students from Campuses
“ ,” said .Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In response to the numerous student protests that have heavily impacted the University of California system, the Regents of …
UCSD to Ban Witch Trials
“I hope this isn’t just a complicated spell the witches are casting,” said one student as they watched a pile of torches and pitchforks burn.Photo by …
Congress Passes Bill Banning Women from Aging
“Finally, some peace and quiet,” said Mitch McConnell.Photo by Theo Erickson Despite a 75-hour Senate filibuster and a bipartisan coalition against it, Congress succeeded in passing …
I Bet I Could Do Olympic Gymnastics if I Really, Really Wanted To
Another year goes by and another round of Olympic Games has come and gone, and all these damn kids online keep raving about these damn Olympic …
‘The Astronauts Are Fine,’ Says Boeing
“Day two hundred and seventy-one. Atlas shrugged,” read one astronaut’s logs.Photo by Dylan Schmidt A month after announcing that the Boeing Starliner astronauts will remain in …
Satan Attracts America With ‘Eternal Suffering Healthcare Plan’
“I’ve always thought that the Hippocratic Oath was really up to interpretation,” said Satan.Photo by Dylan Schmidt W ith the dissolution of the Affordable Care Act, …
I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 vs. Who Actually Needs 24 Hours to Study Anyway?
POINT: I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 I’d like to start off by saying that Geisel is my favorite study spot. Come midterms and …
