Volume 22
Out-of-State Student’s Fish Dies Just in Time for Summer Break
Local betta fish, Jason Sparklefin, was found dead late Monday night at the age of eight months, due to reported malnutrition. His death was confirmed Tuesday …
Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles
In a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s …
Aspiring Achievers Cofounder Falls Short of Clinching Treasurer Position in Club Elections
Third year undergraduate Jane Footick stormed out of Aspiring Achievers’ third GBM of spring quarter where, despite her significant prior sacrifices that brought the organization to …
Figurative Language: As Useless as a Hole-Filled Umbrella during a Hailstorm
Figurative language. Nothing is more confusing to me than the use of figurative language. I don’t understand why everyone feels the need to use all of …
Norwegian Prison Modeled After California University
As a new experimental part of Norway’s systematic prison reform, an inquiry into modeling future prisons after many California universities has been initiated. This reform is …
Reading, England Discovered to be Where Reading Was Invented
British historian Donald Wobbley has uncovered evidence that reading was first invented in Reading, England around 2200 BCE. Since 1927, it has been widely known that …
Lin-Manuel Miranda Wins Nobel Prize, Puerto Rican Gubernatorial Office
Lin-Manuel Miranda, “Hamilton” playwright and star, has won both a Nobel Prize and the office of Governor of Puerto Rico last Tuesday, in addition to being …
Time Machine Invented, Future Just as Boring as Present
The European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, performed the first successful time jump in a manned craft at 10:04 p.m. last Saturday. Head researcher …
New Study Finds Cure for Depression: Pile of Kittens Crushed Into Fine Powder
Earlier this year, a federal advisory committee approved a bold new treatment plan by drug company Cheshire Rx. that may permanently cure depression. The advisory committee …
Top Ten Ways to Show Up at a Wedding Unannounced
In 2003, with a search warrant for WMDs With a ring to propose to your girlfriend who’s the maid of honor While admitting that no, you …
