30.5
Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show
This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The …
Department of Music Announces New Concert Series
In a bid to diversify the musical offerings of the Department of Music, Director Jenny P. Orridge has introduced a new series of concerts titled “Dive …
Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel
In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …
CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered
Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …
Last S Spot Declared UNESCO World Heritage Site
“What the hell did the S even stand for?!” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Over the course of the last school year, the university’s Parking …
Neuralink Announces Amygdala Removal Surgery
“The NARC chip has a dual benefit of alerting the authorities every time someone thinks about using opiates,” said Alma Bowls.Photo by Julia Wong With Neuralink’s …
Why I Think Leprechauns Aren’t Real
That dreaded time of year is now almost upon us. My first-grade class will soon insist on catching a leprechaun in time for St. Patrick’s Day. …
TikTok Announces Opiate-Based User Retention Strategy
“I can’t believe my friends just take whatever drugs companies push on them,” said one conference attendee, taking a hit from their Juul.Photo by Connor Betterly …
Khosla Converts Audrey Geisel House into Airbnb
“He keeps eating my freaking yogurt,” said one mansion resident.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since Fall Quarter 2021, UC San Diego has faced an unprecedented housing crisis, …
