1. Because God said so
2. Because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to say “My god is better than your god” to third world countries
3. I didn’t waste 15 dollars on a “Coexist” bumper sticker for nothing
4. Someone told me I am loved, and I can’t think of any other explanation
5. Because 18 years of resisting masturbation would have been wasted
6. I saw him behind a Target after eight Five-Hour Energies
7. Because I need a good excuse to watch VeggieTales
8. I would know. We’re tight
9. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that voice in their head telling them to kill their firstborn?
10. If he didn’t exist, I’d just look like a bigot

1. Santa’s allergic to nerds
2. He got injured in the War on Christmas
3. You live in Antarctica, and he can’t really justify the commute
4. He knew exactly what you were gonna use that VR headset for
5. Santa’s real, but you aren’t
6. Endangered species laws were repealed, and he didn’t make it past Texas
7. You forgot to change your legal place of residence
8. He heard you were talking shit
9. What made you think Santa wanted vegan cookies?
10. He kissed your mom last year, and now things are just too awkward