Briefs

Briefs

President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’

Written by: Jackson Conte

During a press conference on the White House lawn, the President re­affirmed his acuity and fitness for office, despite being the oldest chief executive in US …

Briefs

Mysterious Chef Seen in Revelle Construction Zone

Written by: Destiney Friday

This past week, the Vice Chancellor’s office announced the opening of another construction zone in Revelle Plaza, effectively closing the entire walkway. This announcement came just …

Briefs

Biden Delivers Unique State of the Union

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

In order to draw viewers into watching his State of the Union Address, President Biden introduced several changes to the way he delivered the speech. To …

Briefs

IRS Debuts ‘Ultimate’ Form

Written by: Liv Gilbert

Responding to mounting criticisms of the American tax system, the Internal Revenue Service announced the release of Form One: a single unified form that will be …

Briefs

Clocks Fail to Change for Daylight Saving Time, No One Notices

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

This past weekend, Daylight Saving Time was scheduled to begin, with all clocks to “spring forward” an hour. However, Americans across the country woke up this …

Briefs

Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show

Written by: Justin Xu

This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The …

Briefs

Department of Music Announces New Concert Series

Written by: Sylvia Terry

In a bid to diversify the musical offerings of the Department of Music, Director Jenny P. Orridge has introduced a new series of concerts titled “Dive …

Briefs

Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel

Written by: Theo Erickson

In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …

Briefs

CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …

Briefs

UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm

Written by: Connor Betterly

UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …