Briefs
President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’
During a press conference on the White House lawn, the President reaffirmed his acuity and fitness for office, despite being the oldest chief executive in US …
Mysterious Chef Seen in Revelle Construction Zone
This past week, the Vice Chancellor’s office announced the opening of another construction zone in Revelle Plaza, effectively closing the entire walkway. This announcement came just …
Biden Delivers Unique State of the Union
In order to draw viewers into watching his State of the Union Address, President Biden introduced several changes to the way he delivered the speech. To …
IRS Debuts ‘Ultimate’ Form
Responding to mounting criticisms of the American tax system, the Internal Revenue Service announced the release of Form One: a single unified form that will be …
Clocks Fail to Change for Daylight Saving Time, No One Notices
This past weekend, Daylight Saving Time was scheduled to begin, with all clocks to “spring forward” an hour. However, Americans across the country woke up this …
Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show
This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The …
Department of Music Announces New Concert Series
In a bid to diversify the musical offerings of the Department of Music, Director Jenny P. Orridge has introduced a new series of concerts titled “Dive …
Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel
In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …
CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered
Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …
UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm
UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …