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Point/Counter Point: Swearing

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Point: No Son of Mine Will Swear in This Household Son, come here. Get your old man a beer from the fridge. Thanks. While you’re here, …

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Study Shows Journalism to Be Sexiest Career

Written by: Dexter Hamilton

A recent study conducted by the American Press Institute revealed that pursuing a career in journalism is the most effective path for increased perceived attraction. The …

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Canyon Vista Dining Hall to Close After Health Inspection

Written by: Issac Canada

UC San Diego Housing, Dining and Hospitality (HDH) announced Tuesday that the Canyon Vista dining hall will close on March 23 after failing its first outside …

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Trump Space Force Returns From Reconnaissance Mission, Reveals That Space Is “Just Like Halo”

Written by: Andrew Sitko

A recon team from the Trump administration’s Space Force sent to explore the universe in mid-2018 has finally returned from their mission outside the solar system. …

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Persephone Refuses to Leave Underworld Due to Climate Change Denial

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

The polar vortex that affected the midwestern United States has caused many politicians to further their belief that “climate change is nothing but a hoax.” An …

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Navy SEALs Replaced With Actual Seals Due to Government Shutdown

Written by: Kate Zegans

Amid the political quagmire of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, President Trump issued Executive Order 7683, which will begin a rebranding campaign aimed at …

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Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter

Written by: Melina Cruz

Punxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. …

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Trump Sells Executive Branch on eBay, New President is Now Desmond Wilson, Age Four

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Before the end of the government shutdown, Donald Trump has reportedly sold the Executive Branch on eBay to four-year-old Desmond Wilson. Trump, formerly known President of …

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Local White Person Plays Uno “Reverse” Card on Racism Accusation

Written by: Sage Cristal and Dan Kaliblotzky

San Diego resident Arnold Zimmerman, upon being arrested for a hate crime in an East County Denny’s, attempted to deflect charges by presenting the police with …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student Finds Parking on Campus Twice in a Row

Written by: Ronak Shah

A UCSD student successfully found parking two days in a row at Hopkins Parking Structure. The student, who wished to remain anonymous because of fears that …