Articles
Point/Counter Point: Swearing
Point: No Son of Mine Will Swear in This Household Son, come here. Get your old man a beer from the fridge. Thanks. While you’re here, …
Study Shows Journalism to Be Sexiest Career
A recent study conducted by the American Press Institute revealed that pursuing a career in journalism is the most effective path for increased perceived attraction. The …
Canyon Vista Dining Hall to Close After Health Inspection
UC San Diego Housing, Dining and Hospitality (HDH) announced Tuesday that the Canyon Vista dining hall will close on March 23 after failing its first outside …
Trump Space Force Returns From Reconnaissance Mission, Reveals That Space Is “Just Like Halo”
A recon team from the Trump administration’s Space Force sent to explore the universe in mid-2018 has finally returned from their mission outside the solar system. …
Persephone Refuses to Leave Underworld Due to Climate Change Denial
The polar vortex that affected the midwestern United States has caused many politicians to further their belief that “climate change is nothing but a hoax.” An …
Navy SEALs Replaced With Actual Seals Due to Government Shutdown
Amid the political quagmire of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, President Trump issued Executive Order 7683, which will begin a rebranding campaign aimed at …
Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter
Punxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. …
Trump Sells Executive Branch on eBay, New President is Now Desmond Wilson, Age Four
Before the end of the government shutdown, Donald Trump has reportedly sold the Executive Branch on eBay to four-year-old Desmond Wilson. Trump, formerly known President of …
Local White Person Plays Uno “Reverse” Card on Racism Accusation
San Diego resident Arnold Zimmerman, upon being arrested for a hate crime in an East County Denny’s, attempted to deflect charges by presenting the police with …
Student Finds Parking on Campus Twice in a Row
A UCSD student successfully found parking two days in a row at Hopkins Parking Structure. The student, who wished to remain anonymous because of fears that …
