Articles

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters

Written by: Dylan Towner

“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Purchases Fleet of Invisible Buses

Written by: Amit Roth

“I finally learned what the inside of a black hole looks like,” said Katherine Cambpell. “I was rather disappointed to find out it was just a …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell vs It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College

Written by: Erica Rosslee

POINT: Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell You children these days are all fools. You lot are always …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought

Written by: Chris Zhang

I’ve spent my entire life as a God-fearing professional onion chopper, and never in my life have I ever witnessed a drought last longer than my …

ArticlesNationalNewsPolitics

Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill

Written by: Ren Wallace

“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.Photo by Amit Roth Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan …

ArticlesCampusNews

HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown

Written by: Janice Kim

“I still get food poisoning, but now I know exactly why,” said one student.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Triton2Go Mobile Order app has long been a …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

I Must Return to the Real World

Written by: Katie Campbell

Beloved wizards and magicians of the greater San Diego area, it is time for me to hang up my hat and cloak in favor of the …

ArticlesNationalNews

DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer vs Thou Shalt Have No Harvest

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

POINT: I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer Five years gone. They really snuck up on me. Is this really the last summer I’ll …

ArticlesNews

Students Found to Use Pythagorean Theorem Daily

Written by: Erin Yao

“I thought trigonometry would be just as fun as the Pythagorean theorem, but it was just SOH-SOH,” said Abby Tuse.Photo by Amit Roth A recent poll …