Articles
Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …
UCSD Purchases Fleet of Invisible Buses
“I finally learned what the inside of a black hole looks like,” said Katherine Cambpell. “I was rather disappointed to find out it was just a …
DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’
“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration …
I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer vs Thou Shalt Have No Harvest
POINT: I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer Five years gone. They really snuck up on me. Is this really the last summer I’ll …
Students Found to Use Pythagorean Theorem Daily
“I thought trigonometry would be just as fun as the Pythagorean theorem, but it was just SOH-SOH,” said Abby Tuse.Photo by Amit Roth A recent poll …
UCLA Invites Dick Cheney for Commencement Speech
“I heard Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War,” said Al Gore. “Ain’t that an inconvenient truth?”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Two former vice presidents will …
Tennessee Students to Start Concealed Carrying
“I knew violent video games would come in handy one day,” said one student.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Just five days after Governor Rick Les Stu Pidity …
Students to Graduate
“It’s great commencement is outside the unemployment office. Really saves time on my commute,” said graduating student Onion Ployable.Photo by Erica Rosslee and Jordan Whitlow After …
AXE Body Spray Is Vile vs As an Alpha Male, AXE Body Spray Is My Life
POINT: AXE Body Spray is Vile If you’re like me, you’ve shown up to your 9 a.m. class in Solis feeling accomplished for participating in your …
Family of Four Moves Next to Bomb Factory, Surprised by Frequent Explosions
“When the realtor said the deal was dynamite, I assumed they meant the price!” said Suzie Smith.Photo by Jordan Whitlow The newly moved-in Smith family was …
