Politics
Congress Increases Government Transparency, Will Install New Windows
Following accusations of a biased closed confirmation hearing of Brett Kavanaugh, Congress passed a Republican-sponsored bill “increasing congressional transparency” by installing larger glass windows on the …
Human Woman Added to Endangered Species List
Following Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation and appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States, the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) named human women …
Political Pundit Fails at Asking Where Restroom Is, Wets Pants in Protest
“You bet I had an accident here,” says James Riddle, a notorious public urinator. “After three cups of the special ‘Iced Mocha Madness,’ I was really …
Boy Scout Badges, Third Grade Reading Level to Be Considered in Sexual Assault Cases
Colleges nationwide will begin to take relevant details into account when handling accusations of sexual assault, such as honors won in the Boy Scouts, third grade …
Trump’s New Supreme Court Pick Looks Suspiciously Like Trump with a Fake Mustache
President Trump announced his nominee to fill Justice Kennedy’s Supreme Court vacancy on Monday. Trump’s nomination follows the President’s decision to drop Brett Kavanaugh as the …
Local College Student Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing About It
Greg Alaffia, a local 20-something college student, is concerned about current geopolitical affairs, but has no real plans to do anything about it. Alaffia has been …
Poll Reports 75 Percent of Millennials Would Vote for Corpse of Bernie Sanders in 2020
CNN released a poll on Wednesday, September 12, finding that 75 percent of millenials are willing to vote for the corpse of Bernie Sanders in the …
ICE Raids Funeral, Asks Deceased for Identification
A new border security policy has gone into effect nationwide, as Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents conduct searches of the funerals of deceased immigrants believed …
The United States Imposes Sanctions on the United States
President Trump announced Tuesday that the United States would impose economic sanctions on the United States. These sanctions are the latest in an ongoing trade war …
Secretary of the Interior’s Attempts To Shrink Yellowstone Thwarted by Bear Cub
After two weeks of conversing with petroleum companies, conservationists, legal authorities, President Trump, and his own wife, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke finally got the …
