President Trump announced his nominee to fill Justice Kennedy’s Supreme Court vacancy on Monday. Trump’s nomination follows the President’s decision to drop Brett Kavanaugh as the nominee in response to bipartisan outrage over Kavanaugh’s heavily pro-executive power record.
“Today I nominate a great guy, really, a great guy, Tronald Dump, for the Supreme Court of the United States of America,” the President said, elaborating that Dump is “a great American, honestly, the best American, and everyone is saying that he is the most qualified Supreme Court nominee ever. I would never say that but that’s what the people are saying, what can I say, what can I say? Great guy, beautiful wife and daughter, just beautiful.”
Unfortunately, Dump was unable to accept his nomination publicly due to family matters. Since his nomination, Dump has been reclusive and rarely spotted on national television. Some liberal conspiracy theorists have speculated that Dump is, in fact, the President with a fake mustache. “His curvaceous figure, warm complexion, and yellow comb-over are reminiscent of the President, no doubt!” Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders shouted while making an appearance at an Alaska Democrat’s campaign rally. “All I’m saying is show me Dump and Trump in the same room. He’s like a saggy orange Batman. Show me!”
That night, Trump’s legal counsel Rudy Giulliani appeared on Hannity, stating, “Do you see the mustache on the guy? No way Dump is Trump in a fake mustache — it looks too good to be fake. But even if he is, it’s not illegal. I haven’t done all my research on the matter yet, but show me in the Constitution where it states that fake mustaches are illegal!”
The rest of Trump’s team quickly agreed with Giulliani’s comments. During a press conference on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders addressed the Vermont Senator’s remarks, stating: “I’ve got a quick statement that I will read from the President: the fake news will tell you that Dump is Trump, but I am not Dump; I am Trump, and Dump is Dump.” When asked if she had any comment on the similarity between the names Donald Trump and Tronald Dump, Huckabee Sanders replied in a curt baritone, “These two men don’t even share the same initials. This accusation is a classic example of the mainstream media’s attempts to undermine the President’s good work.”
Likewise, it appears that moderate House Democrats may be ready to confirm Dump. Indiana Senator Joe Donnelly reportedly confessed to a staffer on Monday that “Democrats have already made such a ruckus about Russia” and that he was “just about ready to Gorsuch this one.”