News
The Walking Dead Kills Character, Asian Americans Lose Half of Representation
In the season seven premiere of zombie-apocalypse show, “The Walking Dead,” fan-favorite character Glenn Rhee was brutally killed. Rhee’s death was upsetting to the Asian-American community …
Undeclared Student Appeases Father, Finally Declares Miscommunications Major
Two weeks ago, formerly undeclared sophomore Jared Johnston “finally gave into both his father’s and UCSD’s wishes” and declared a major, choosing to pursue a B.A. …
Man Wakes from Worst Nightmare into Second Worst
Area man Zachary Zhou found himself in a cold sweat late Saturday night as he suddenly awakened from what he described as his “absolute worst nightmare.” …
Local Dog Wishes Owner Would Stop Looking at Glowing Rectangle and Pet Her
After walking herself to the dog park for the third time this week, local beagle Jennifer Pawrence told reporters that all she wants is for her …
Lesbian Researchers Discover Perfect Milkshake that Brings All the Girls to the Yard
After years of intense research, a newly-published lesbian-sponsored study has finally discovered a milkshake recipe which, in the research team’s own words, “brings all the girls …
UCSD Farmer’s Market Disappoints New Students, Has No Farmers for Sale
On Tuesday, UCSD’s first farmer’s market of the year occurred, leaving many first years saddened, horrified, and betrayed over the lack of farmers for sale. Many …
UCSD Students Continue to Argue They “Wouldn’t Have Gone to UCLA Even If They Got In”
This year has proven to be one of the most competitive years for college applicants, with a record number of applications for all University of California …
Local Man Fixes Sink, As the Prophecy Foretold
Late last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he …
New Open Access Research Journal Removes All Publishing Barriers, Standards
Open access journals have revolutionized the publishing of scientific research, partially by speeding the review process, and partially by instructing reviewers to only focus on the …
Polls Show 0.7 Percent Increase in Clinton Support 70 Percent Decrease in Complete Sentences Used
Recent polls report Clinton gained a slight increase in support since the last presidential debate against GOP candidate Donald Trump; however, she is still being beaten …
