Dan Kaliblotzky
New Artificially Intelligent Chairs Develop Strong Opinions on Politics
This month, the tech company “Chairish.” has come out with a leap in artificial intelligence technology. Designed for the typical American family, Chairish.’s new dining room …
P/CP: I Am an Ideal Mate/I Am an Uninterested Lesbian
POINT: I Am an Ideal Mate Most of my attempts to contact to you have failed, so I am resorting to something that – based on the …
RateMyProfessors Adds New Varieties of Peppers To Its Hotness Rating
On Saturday, the popular website RateMyProfessors.com revolutionized its rating process by adding more ranking to its “hotness” rating. Previously signified by the options “Yeah” or “Um, …
“Mona Lisa” Stolen, Replaced with Poor MS Paint Reproduction
The Louvre’s staff last week were struck by theft after realizing someone had exchanged da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” with a digitally fabricated replica. After careful inspection, …
Computer Science Department Gets New Lab, It’s Adorable
UCSD computer science students recently had a major positive change in their working environment with a new CSE lab added to the building, named Freddie. Reportedly, …
Newborn Baby is Given 50-Word First Name
A baby born yesterday in Mayersville, Mississippi has been given an unprecedented 50-word name, Mary Anne Sue Beth Patsy Bertha Patty Debra Gertrude Sue Rachel Emily …
Jesus Publishes Wishlist for Upcoming Birthday Bash
In anticipation of the coming holiday season, local messiah Jesus Christ has come back to the earthly realm once more to throw a “Birthday Bash of …
Santa Discovered to Be Allergic to Pine Needles
In a shocking turn of events for families everywhere, Santa Claus has announced that he is allergic to pine needles. Claus shocked the public when he …
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity
The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” …
7th College to Be Called Pradeep Khosla College, Namer Still Unknown
UCSD recently announced a new addition to their college system, which will be named after current Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. Khosla assured reporters that this was “the …
