Volume 23
Man Discovers Other Religions “Not Just Different Forms of Catholicism”
Area man Jeff Matalazano recently discovered in a “light conversation about anti-Semitism,” that most other religions are not “just Catholicism without Jesus in some parts.” “I’m …
Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album
Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular …
Local Student Yells Into Echo Chamber, Feels Better About Future of America
Local student Garry Vikati was concerned about the future of America, until he was finally able to yell into an echo chamber this past week. Vikati …
Top Ten Reasons to Start Smoking
To prove anti-smoking advertising doesn’t work on you Injecting is getting old To get that raspy and gravelly singing voice you need in the country music …
Conservatives Boycott Snow White Due to “Seven Sinful Dwarves”
Conservatives across the nation are launching a mass boycott against a remake of the Disney film “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” declaring, “We are outraged …
Top Fifteen Ways That Cavemen Were Better than Us
Tinder was important for a different reason They could afford a cave They didn’t use “Neanderthal” as an insult They got to watch “The Flintstones” live …
Grandmother Unaware Phones Work Both Ways
Eliza Barker, matriarch of the Barker multimedia conglomerate, caused “family drama” last week when she off-handedly mentioned at a reunion dinner that her 22-year-old granddaughter Tiffany …
Browns Receive Second Round Pick in Trade, Also Q.B. Brock Osweiler
A spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns announced last week that the team’s management is ecstatic that they’ve received a second-round pick in a trade with the …
Top Ten: Ways to Tell If Your Roommate Is in the Mafia
Your room is filled with decapitated horse bodies Their solution to most problems is “I know a guy” Their pasta comes out perfect every time They …
Sean Spicer Disappears, Found Digging Under White House
Panic struck the White House last week when it was discovered that Sean Spicer, the newly appointed Press Secretary of the Trump Administration, had gone missing. …
