Briefs
Lassie Unable to Warn Timmy About 2008 Financial Crisis
In 2008, Timmy Martin from the long-running television series “Lassie,” was about to buy mortgage-backed securities to improve his financial portfolio. Lassie, seeing the shady practices …
Area Vat Not Sure Why There’s a Brain in It
A large, dark vat awoke early last Friday to find an unsettling feeling in its center. It soon realized that the discomfort was caused by a …
NBC realizes Human Trafficking “Not As Funny As Expected”
In a statement issued after the cancellation of the planned comedy show Mail Order Family, NBC expressed regrets that “sadly human trafficking is a concept that …
Oxford Comma Sues UCSD for Lack of Use, Malpractice and Negligence
In a release, the Oxford Comma claims that UCSD’s negligence has led to grievous errors over the past five years. In addition, UCSD is accused of …
Congressional Bill, Known as “Zeno’s Bill,” First Has to Get Half its Votes
“Zeno’s bill,” introduced by New Hampshire Senator Jeanne Shaheen, is having a hard time getting traction in Congress. The legislation that intends to give tortoises a …
Incoming Freshman Ready for First Day of Existential Crisis
Freshman Rachel Torres has been excited all summer for school to start and for her first real ground-shattering existential crisis at UCSD. “I’ve just been so …
Area Man Realizes after Four Hours That He’s Not in the Turn Lane
Tim Douglas, 47, ruined his family dinner last Sunday after he accidentally pulled in behind a parked car instead of getting into the right turn lane …
Classmate Boldly Repeats Professor
The podcast for the COGS 101A class from September 23rd caught flack earlier this week for wasting students’ time by having an apparent glitch which caused …
Area Brain Found in Vat
The lid of a dark vat was surprisingly lifted for the first time early last Friday, to reveal an apparent passageway into an unknown space of …
Jason from Third Floor to Be Your Best Friend for Life
Analysts predict that Jason Mathis from the third floor, who you met coming into your dorm on move-in day, will be your best friend through your …
