Briefs

Briefs

Classmate Boldly Repeats Professor

Written by: The MQ

The podcast for the COGS 101A class from September 23rd caught flack earlier this week for wasting students’ time by having an apparent glitch which caused …

Briefs

Area Brain Found in Vat

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

The lid of a dark vat was surprisingly lifted for the first time early last Friday, to reveal an apparent passageway into an unknown space of …

Briefs

Jason from Third Floor to Be Your Best Friend for Life

Written by: The MQ

Analysts predict that Jason Mathis from the third floor, who you met coming into your dorm on move-in day, will be your best friend through your …

Briefs

Bounty Hunter to Choose Between Love for money, Target

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Local bounty hunter Leland Chappy set out to arrest Areana Slony to obtain a 45,000 dollar commission but unexpectedly found himself conflicted over his newfound love …

Briefs

UCSD Graduate Eager to Feel Overqualified In Retail

Written by: The MQ

After four years, graduate Taylor Urke is excited to follow the logical conclusion of their decisions and enter the job market as an hourly retail worker. …

Briefs

NFL Players to Undergo Pre-Draft Jiggle Test

Written by: Summer Davis

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has proposed new protocols for drafting players. According to new regulations, NFL prospects will be tested on their skin’s ability to “jiggle …

Briefs

Local Band Pretty Sure Minute 11 of The Solo Is When It Gets Really Good

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Local band Flandering Ferret took the stage at Panderer’s Pub in Midtown at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, performing their instrumental single “Cherry Pickers.” The San Diego-based …

Briefs

Woman Late to Give Mother’s Day Gift to Mother She Murdered

Written by: The MQ

Area woman Shane Daniels realized yesterday that she had failed to purchase and give a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift to her mother, whose body she left …

Briefs

Area Man Thinks Google Maps Has Got it All Wrong

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

San Diego public defender Richard Mallard, who was utterly convinced his Google Maps app gave him incorrect instructions, recently took a series of wrong turns that …

Briefs

Man Successfully Blames Fart on Whoever Smelt it

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully …