November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: The MQ

Analysts predict that Jason Mathis from the third floor, who you met coming into your dorm on move-in day, will be your best friend through your whole college experience and beyond. These experts say that this friendship, founded on pure proximity and lack of other friends, is already strong enough to stand the multiple tests of time, distance (when he moves off campus next year), and the fact that he’s kind of an asshole.

Despite the almost certainty that he remains your friend because you buy him food, and despite the fact that he will not return the favor when you run out of dining dollars in April, you and Jason are going to have the closest relationship of any friends since Jonathan and David from the Bible.

Unlike Steven Briggs and Michael Hong, you and Jason have a huge amount in common. You are both in Muir, whereas Steve is in Marshall and Mike in ERC. Analysts put this boost as the advantage that will make your friendship and break theirs.

Additionally, you definitely won’t make new, different, better friends from the student org that you’ll join this coming week, experts say. Those new people are cool, but they don’t know you like Jason does. You and Jason will have annual reunions where you relive week one of freshman year fall quarter. This will be the friendship of a lifetime.

Written by: Jen Windsor

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *