Articles
Local Man’s Seasonal Depression Revealed To Be Regular Depression
Until late last Wednesday, local man Jeremiah Anderson was believed to have been suffering from seasonal depression. It wasn’t until further inspection by those close to …
Antitrust Laws Break Up the PornHub Network, Ensuring Pornographic Equity
Teenagers, adults, and certain senior citizens were shocked last week as a groundbreaking antitrust case, United States v. MindGeek USA Inc., finally reached a verdict, tearing …
Sessions Announces Plan To Remove Alcohol From Hand Sanitizers in War on Drugs
Earlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana …
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …
UCSD Instructor Advocates to Change the Name of Finals to “Beginnings”
UCSD art history professor Kathleen Doriente recently set up a GoFundMe in an effort to officially change finals week to “beginnings week.” In a recent interview …
Jesus Publishes Wishlist for Upcoming Birthday Bash
In anticipation of the coming holiday season, local messiah Jesus Christ has come back to the earthly realm once more to throw a “Birthday Bash of …
Baby Boomer Declares Phones Toxic to Youth While Downing Bottle of Vodka
Local retired businessman and baby boomer Jerry Tomblin declared cellphones to be “the scourge of youth” while finishing his second bottle of Belvedere Vodka early this …
Revelle Student Sparks Controversy Over Illicit Photo of Professor Performing Cha-Cha Slide
Last week, a first year Revelle student reportedly put up an obscene image in their dorm window for all to see. The visual in question was …
White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks
President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly …
Local Big Name Corporation Graciously Allows Santa to Beg For Money on Premises
As the season of giving approaches, a local corporation, Malwart, has given a local charity the privilege to avoid being ticketed for solicitation while shamelessly begging …
