Local Man’s Future Self Comes Back To Stop Him from Making Resolutions

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Martin told reporters that he was not surprised that his future self was still immature enough to ding dong ditch himself.
Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Recently, La Jolla resident Emmet Martin found himself in a strange situation when a naked man appeared on his front lawn. After Martin allowed the stranger into his home, the stranger revealed he was Martin’s future self who came with a warning that if Martin followed through with his New Year’s resolutions, it would cause massive chaos.

Martin’s resolutions reportedly included eating healthier, taking walks every day, and practicing an instrument for an hour every day. Martin’s future self informed Martin that, by May of 2018, these resolutions will lead to the collapse of the entire sugar industry, a complete degradation of the U.S. Pacific coastline, and permanent absence of sound due to the destruction of the sound barrier beyond repair.

Martin stated he was disappointed in this news as he had set up a variety of tools to help him actually follow through with his resolutions this year, including alarms, memo notes, strings tied to doors, an electrified snack cupboard handle, a human-sized hamster wheel to run on, and a trained, endangered Egyptian Cockatoo that sings an annoying song whenever he was not following through with his resolution goals.

“It kinda sucked that all that work ended up being pointless,” Martin complained. “I mean, getting that damn bird took two weeks, and it took another week to train it to sing Taylor Swift’s ‘Trouble.’ Anyway, after my future self left, I called my personal trainer for advice. He basically told me that I shouldn’t work out anymore and that I should go back to being ‘the talentless sad-sack’ that I am.”

“Yeah, I told that sad-sack to give up the violin and to cancel his gym membership. Sure, it sucks for the guy, but I have my own resolutions I’m working on that can only happen as long as the Earth is still intact,” stated Matthew Tannen, Martin’s personal trainer, “Not to mention, I’m terrified of the ocean. And if the tides got higher, sharks might move next door which would really bring down the property value of the new condo I just bought. Also, if there wasn’t any sound, I couldn’t hear the sound effects in the new Transformer movies. Anyways, I told Emmet to listen to the weird naked man that predicted the end of days ‘cause he sounded reliable.”

“I’ve changed my life back to what it was before,” Martin explained. “I’m trying my best to be as lazy, inactive, and unhealthy as possible for the benefit of everyone else. My doctor kinda advised against it, but he’s not the one involved with time travel. In all honesty, I kinda prefer this more. It’s a hell of a lot easier.”

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