Plucky local political science major Jake Stevens released a statement
earlier this week affirming his belief that he will be President of the United States of America “sometime around, like, 2040.” Stevens, a second year political science major at UCSD, expressed his willingness to share his nuanced policy beliefs with anyone who will listen: “Socially, I’m liberal, but otherwise, I’m conservative. Like, I’m cool with gay people, but I also think we should defeat ISIS.”
As a candidate, Stevens is sure that he has what it takes to make it into the Oval Office. Not only did he compete in Model United Nations during high school, but sources show he also interned at his dad’s friend’s law firm this past summer. In addition, he often prides himself openly about his diverse appetite for information. “I mainly read those CNN notifications you can get on your phone, but I’ve also watched a couple of Vice documentaries. Never stop educating yourself, guys, it’s super important,” advised Stevens.
“I’d like to think my personality is a perfect fit for a career in the political arena. I would definitely say that I’m a people person, and ever since I was little, my mom always told me that I kind of have this, like, natural magnetism about me. It’s not really something you can teach, you know?”
Stevens’s professors and peers commented that they are less sure. “Jake’s a good kid,” said his international relations professor, Dr. Michael Green, trepidatiously. “I know his type; I teach about 20 or so every quarter. They come up and shake hands with me after every lecture, and they always are the first to sign up for Dine with a Professor. At this point in my career, it’s pretty flattering to have anyone pretend to respect my opinions as much as Jake does.” However, when asked if Jake was fit for the oval office, Green expressed serious doubts, commenting, “From what I’ve seen, Jake’s
personality is pretty off-putting to his peers. Nobody wants him in their study group. Plus, he used ‘Iran’ and ‘Iraq’ interchangeably in his recent 500 word short-essay titled: ‘Middle East Advice.’”
Reporters also interviewed Stevens’s suitemate Brian Balsa to get a sense of the potential future commander-in-chief outside the classroom. “Oh yeah, Jake’s a total jerk,” said Balsa definitively, “And he’s the type of guy to overcharge his friends on Venmo and call it ‘entrepreneurship.’ He’s also incredibly superficial; he was a big Megyn Kelly fan until she cut her hair and that made her ‘less hot.’ I wouldn’t vote for him.”
Regardless of what others think of him, Stevens expresses optimism about his chances. “My policies are all based on common sense. For example, with China, we should just say ‘forgive our debt or we’ll go to war’ and, obviously, China knows they would lose. Honestly, being president is simply going to be a matter of sticking to my guns.” Stevens paused to wink before adding, “History will love me.”