After many quarters of professors promoting CAPEs as if they were direly important, a new discovery has shed some light on their real purpose. Local student Carl Stevens has discovered that the professors collect CAPEs just so that they can laugh at the students who actually submit them.
“I saw some of them just looking at the forms and they kept chuckling,” Stevens explained. “Like, I’ve never seen some of those professors crack a smile, but if you saw their reactions, you’d agree they sounded just like hyenas.”
“Admittedly, they’re a good laugh,” said Daniel Pinthand, a calculus professor. “The idea that I, a perfect being, could be flawed is hysterical. Although, lately it’s been rather repetitive as students have just been saying that I’m ‘arrogant’ over and over, so it’s gotten a bit bland.”
This discovery has caused an uproar among the students, who had hoped that professors would actually take their opinions into account, when it reality, the professors allegedly are doing the exact opposite of the students’ suggestions.
“The Chancellor advised us to do the opposite of whatever the student advised,” said Alan Nott, a linear algebra professor. “Which is good, because most of them are complaining about my aggressiveness, which means now I can throw a student against a chalkboard like I’ve always wanted.”
A handful of teachers agree with the students, and a small movement has been started to remedy this situation. “It just feels kinda unfair,” explained Loren Steres, head of the calculus department. “I mean, some of these complaints are pretty valid, and the degradation of the students’ health is a big enough problem just with all the sleep deprivation, let alone the professors deliberately assaulting the students.”
Steres has started a petition and attempted to present it to the Chancellor, who read its title and immediately set it on fire. This has not deterred Steres, as she has allegedly begun to start a protest on campus grounds.
“Steres is doing pretty good,” stated one student who wished to remain anonymous. “They’re ignoring her, but she’s trying best she can. I heard she went on a hunger strike against HDH to show her anger at UCSD institutions, but no one realized that it was supposed to be something she was sacrificing.”
Some professors have attempted a counter protest in response which was positively regarded by the Chancellor and lead by Professor Nott. Nott spent the entirety of the protest throwing chalk at various students, and ended up sending seven people to Student Health Services from blunt force trauma.
Both protests have been waged for a week, and both sides have shown no sign of stopping. Steres and Nott report that they will continue to be determined to fulfill their designs, and the Chancellor told reporters that he “couldn’t care less,” and to “let [him] know if any donors have submitted CAPEs.”