Local Man Gives Love a Bad Name, Is Shot Through the Heart

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Rather than mourning Flynn, funeral attendants were arguing over who got to keep the Bon Jovi cardboard cutout.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Local man Liam Flynn passed away after being shot during an altercation late Friday night. After an eight-hour manhunt, police caught the suspect, Kelsey Lorraine, in a Motel 6 off the I-5. Lorraine is a known gang member, has been a drug dealer for the past several years, and specializes in dealing PCP. Lorraine is better known for her street name, Love, which was reportedly given to her by several other gang members, referencing her relationship with Flynn. Mutual friends of the two said that Lorraine and Flynn were high school sweethearts, and they had recently butted heads over Flynn’s apathy towards anything that wasn’t in some way related to the hard rock band, Bon Jovi.

According to a police report released late Sunday evening, Lorraine was working one night when Flynn found her and inquired about purchasing “angel’s smiles.” Lorraine took the Bon Jovi-based pun on “angel dust” personally which lead to an argument where Flynn and Lorraine fought about the dynamics of a healthy couple, the ability to know one’s audience when telling jokes, and the difficulty of hustling. After Flynn reportedly stated that Lorraine “promised him heaven then put him through hell,” Lorraine shot Flynn directly in the heart with a .357 Magnum. She fled the scene immediately following the altercation, but a passerby heard Flynn reportedly say “no one can save me, the damage is done” before bleeding out moments later.

Residents of the quiet community where Flynn lived were shaken, and various residents stated that he “played his part” in the community and that he would be “deeply missed.” Flynn’s mother, Christina, seemed to be the most impacted by the tragedy.

“My son and I had a very close relationship,” Christina stated. “I miss him deeply. I’ll always remember the way he always had a Bon Jovi reference for literally any situation. It wasn’t even just lyrics – he had really obscure references to the band dynamics that no sane person would ever know.” After thinking for a few more moments, she added, “I honestly just can’t wait to clear the life-sized cardboard cutouts of all the Bon Jovi members out of the garage.”

Since her imprisonment, Lorraine has expressed regret for her actions. “Yeah, sure I feel bad for shooting him,” Lorraine explained. “But all I’m saying is that ever since I shot him, I haven’t heard a single piece of Bon Jovi related trivia. Did you know he would text me good morning with random Bon Jovi facts? He had a sick, twisted mind.” Lorraine has since amended her statement, saying that she would “do it again, a hundred times over” if given another opportunity.

Lorraine’s trial is set for some time next month, and her lawyers are confident that they can clear her name. “In our eyes, Lorraine’s actions were completely justified,” said her lawyers in a press interview. “If someone approaches you on the street and starts screaming Bon Jovi lyrics, I would immediately think my life was being threatened, wouldn’t you? That, combined with my client’s prior history of being harassed, would constitute, in my eyes, a justifiable homicide. In this case, the Bon Jovi’s words ring true – ‘When passion’s a prison, you can’t break free.’”

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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