Articles
Point/Counter Point
POINT: Parents, Watch Out for Drugs in Your Children’s Halloween Candy! Attention, fellow parents! It has recently come to my attention that marijuana products have a …
Political Pundit Fails at Asking Where Restroom Is, Wets Pants in Protest
“You bet I had an accident here,” says James Riddle, a notorious public urinator. “After three cups of the special ‘Iced Mocha Madness,’ I was really …
Humanities Professor Forgets to Close Porn Tab Before Lecture, Promptly Resigns
Evan Burnsbury, a UCSD professor in the humanities department, quit his job after displaying a pornographic website on the projector in front of his HILD 2A …
UCSD Announces Destruction of Revelle, Marshall, and Muir to Make Room for Upcoming Seventh and Eighth Colleges
The world-renowned University of California, San Diego announced its decision to tear down Revelle, Marshall, and Muir Colleges to make space for the upcoming Seventh and …
CALPIRG Hires Ghosts to Harass Students in Their Dreams
UCSD CALPIRG Chair Sophie Haddad announced on Tuesday that the money from the CALPIRG student fee referendum students approved last Spring Quarter will go toward a …
Apologetic Professor “Feels So Bad” About Requiring One Thousand Dollar Textbook
Following the conclusion of the first round of midterms at UCSD, university administrators were reportedly surprised to learn that Professor Rico Goldwater’s ECON 180 class no …
Boy Scout Badges, Third Grade Reading Level to Be Considered in Sexual Assault Cases
Colleges nationwide will begin to take relevant details into account when handling accusations of sexual assault, such as honors won in the Boy Scouts, third grade …
Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme
In a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following …
UCSD Introduces ‘Pay-to-Sit’ Classes
“After calculating statistics on class sizes, waitlist enrollment, and similar things, we realized that we had a major problem brewing,” admitted Natalie Jameson, a representative from …
UCSD Implements New “Hunger Games”-Style Lottery to Deal with Overflow
An unprecedented number of students were admitted to UCSD this year, exceeding the amount of available on-campus housing. Overflow students were redistributed around campus as a …
