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Trump Announces Plans to Run

Written by: Steven Zhou

President Donald Trump recently made an announcement through Twitter: “I am planning to run.” This five-word tweet has caused a commotion in Washington, D.C. as White …

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UCSD to Shut Down Over Parking

Written by: Quoc Tran

The Associated Students Council adjourned at 7:26 p.m., failing to pass a resolution to secure funding for the quarter. UC San Diego will shut down at …

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King Midas: “Golden Globes Were Disappointing”

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Following the 76th Golden Globes Awards, infamous political figurehead King Midas called the event “a sham.” First posted to his Twitter account and later confirmed in …

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Louis C.K. Confident in New Standup Routine About Women

Written by: Hannah Lykins

In the aftermath of a recent publicity scandal, comic Louis C.K. has decided to premiere a new standup act in an attempt to curry favor with …

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New Avocado-Filled California King Mattresses Take the Country by Storm

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

In an unexpected trend sweeping the United States, many American couples are redefining the few hours they spend asleep by switching to avocado-filled mattresses. The precise …

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Editorial: Liberals Took Away My Parental Rights After I Tried to Make Modern Day Cupid by Handing My Baby a Shotgun

Written by: Andrew Sitko

If you ever need yet another reason to realize the end of civilized America is near, look no further than the leftist culture that has stripped …

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Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective

Written by: Jack Yang

Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …

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US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently

Written by: Quoc Tran

Following the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office …

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Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”

Written by: Steven Zhou

After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready …

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Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …