Articles
Trump Announces Plans to Run
President Donald Trump recently made an announcement through Twitter: “I am planning to run.” This five-word tweet has caused a commotion in Washington, D.C. as White …
UCSD to Shut Down Over Parking
The Associated Students Council adjourned at 7:26 p.m., failing to pass a resolution to secure funding for the quarter. UC San Diego will shut down at …
King Midas: “Golden Globes Were Disappointing”
Following the 76th Golden Globes Awards, infamous political figurehead King Midas called the event “a sham.” First posted to his Twitter account and later confirmed in …
Louis C.K. Confident in New Standup Routine About Women
In the aftermath of a recent publicity scandal, comic Louis C.K. has decided to premiere a new standup act in an attempt to curry favor with …
New Avocado-Filled California King Mattresses Take the Country by Storm
In an unexpected trend sweeping the United States, many American couples are redefining the few hours they spend asleep by switching to avocado-filled mattresses. The precise …
Editorial: Liberals Took Away My Parental Rights After I Tried to Make Modern Day Cupid by Handing My Baby a Shotgun
If you ever need yet another reason to realize the end of civilized America is near, look no further than the leftist culture that has stripped …
Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective
Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …
US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently
Following the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office …
Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”
After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready …
Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit
Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …
