Freedom Fighter
If you ever need yet another reason to realize the end of civilized America is near, look no further than the leftist culture that has stripped us of our rights again and again. But recently, they took it too far and ripped my two-year-old son, Matt, from my loving arms.
This Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend and I decided to dress up our little bundle of joy in a Cupid outfit to try and go viral. While we dressed him up, we also decided that he shouldn’t be able to be seen by millions of people without also broadcasting our deep-rooted political beliefs. In this current climate, even Trump isn’t fighting for our guns like he should, so I went to the kitchen table and picked up my loaded automatic shotgun and gave it to our little Matt.
Setting him on top of a barricade that read, “Love Our Rights,” we were able to get a great bunch of photos of our little angel. Our baby was cuddling with the shotgun, sucking on the barrel, and even pointing it at Mommy. A few hours after posting these photogenic masterpieces, it did, as intended, go viral. My family and friends loved the post as well as my favorite libertarian accounts who went as far as to retweet it. We of course had our share of idiotic liberals commenting on the tweet, saying that it was “sick” or “child endangerment”, but I simply DM’d them, called them a racial slur, and then blocked them.
At night we were cracking open a case of Bud Light, celebrating our success and letting our little star take his first sips, when our door was breached. The unjust fascist police force broke into our compound and ordered us to stand down at gunpoint. If I was not already three beers in I would have been able to use my self defense RPG against the liberal puppets, but alas, they handcuffed me and my girl. That was the last time I saw little Mattie, being carried away by the feds as he puked up the little drink we gave him.
This isn’t a story, this is a call for help. The “libertarian” posers won’t help me storm the police station and rescue my son. I’ve called that Satan-worshipping organization CPS and they say that my son Matt has been adopted by an affluent homosexual couple who will raise him with private school programs and personal tutors. My bloodline is in the clutches of these liberal monsters spreading their hateful progressive propaganda, and I need to hire a personal army to make sure he gets the life he deserves as a subservient in my compound. If you are a real American, email me at [email protected] to help me get my son back.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
