Articles
A Letter Regarding Coronavirus
Dear Valued Customer, We’ve been carefully watching and tracking the progression of this pandemic since the very beginning. At a Company You Gave Your Email to …
If I Need to Die for the Economy, then Kill Me Goddammit vs. Dad, How Did You Escape the Nursing Home?
Point: If I Need to Die for the Economy, then Kill Me Goddammit Gather around everyone, it’s time for a family meeting. Hey, why is everyone …
Survey Finds Majority of College Students “Gastronomically Unprepared” for COVID-19
As an increasing number of students are forced to stay home, experts are reportedly concerned about an imminent spike in home fires.Photo by Sharon Roth With no …
New Guy in Town “Definitely a Time Traveler”
After a dead butterfly was logged as evidence, the sheriff’s department issued a statement urging city residents to report any future events that could have gone …
Student Activists Demand COLA, UC Replies, “Is PEPSI Okay?”
Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial.Photo by Jack Yang The University of California school system has issued an official response to …
Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”
When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!”Photo by Jack Yang As winter draws to a …
Area Child Reportedly “Just Turned Five”
“It won’t be long now until Jeffrey is fully grown,” said one family member.Photo by Jay Noonan Area child Jeffrey Chao has just turned five years old. …
Local Student Prophesizes “Total Apocalypse” if Regents Switch to Semester System
Kovalenko reportedly has lost “ample amounts of money” because he insists on paying cash but refuses to accept change.Photo by Sharon Roth In a public statement, …
Animal Crossing: New Horizons to Include Gentrification
Isabelle also offers the option of forcing villagers to stop speaking their dialect of Animalese if the player deems it “unprofessional.”Photo by Dan Kaliblotzky Nintendo has …
Disneyland and UC System Compete for Highest Prices
UCSD and Disney are also currently engaged in a trademark dispute over the name “King Triton.”Photo by Sharon Roth With spring and summer break just around the …
