CEO of a Company You Gave Your
Email to Five Years Ago
Dear Valued Customer,
We’ve been carefully watching and tracking the progression of this pandemic since the very beginning. At a Company You Gave Your Email to Five Years Ago, we are extremely concerned about our customers, employees, and especially our profits. Even though you barely remember how we have your email in the first place, we’d like to give you an update on our new policies in these unusual times.
Here at a Company You Gave Your Email to Five Years Ago we want you to know that we are taking every measure possible to protect our employees and customers during these uncertain times. At every one of our stores, we have attempted to install a bottle of hand sanitizer. However, the financial realities of being only a “large corporation” as opposed to a “multinational conglomerate” have prevented us from doing so; we too are experiencing hardship in these turbulent times.
Not only have we, a retailer of the finest olives and olive-based delicacies, deemed ourselves an essential service that must remain open during these challenging times, but we are actively fighting to combat the spread of this pandemic since it really cuts into our profits. We as a company are donating 0.278% of all our profits for the next week to relief organizations, and I, the CEO of the Company You Gave Your Email to Five Years Ago, am graciously writing this letter to comfort all of our customers in these trying times. Our employees will be hard at work in our poorly sanitized, close-quarters factories to assure that we can still fulfill all your olive-based needs.
Though our stores are primarily known for selling olives, we also offer a variety of olive-related activities and articles on our website that will be sure to keep you entertained while cooped up at home. Check out fan favorites, like our “Which Kind of Olive Are You?” personality quiz and our black olive coloring book featuring only black olives. These are sure to provide solace and relief in these strange times.
We aren’t just any company you gave your email to five years ago, we’re a Company You Gave Your Email to Five Years Ago. But more than that, we’re family — and the CDC allows families to be within six feet of one another in these difficult times, so swing on by (but not too close). We’ll welcome you with open arms.
Sincerely,
Kap Italest Miser
CEO of a Company You Gave Your Email to Five Years Ago
