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If I Need to Die for the Economy, then Kill Me Goddammit vs. Dad, How Did You Escape the Nursing Home?

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot


If I Need to Die for the Economy, then Kill Me Goddammit

By Charles Miller
Family Man and Veteran

Gather around everyone, it’s time for a family meeting.

Hey, why is everyone standing six feet apart?! This is exactly the nonsense that I wanted to talk about.

Coronavirus making everyone panicky, and that panic is making investors scared! Unemployment is skyrocketing each and every week, entire investment portfolios have been ruined, and worst of all, I can’t even go to Hobby Lobby to get some more model airplane glue! I never thought I would see the day when the American government is FORCIBLY stopping people from pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, but here we are. 

Corporations are dying right before our very eyes, and the kicker is that this virus isn’t just hurting big corporations! Small businesses, the cornerstone of the American Dream, have had to shut their doors, all because people are too afraid to leave their homes and infect people like me. Sure, some of my nursing home friends may be afraid to leave their rooms, but I say bring it on! 

I fought in Vietnam, so I’m no stranger to self-sacrifice (something you millennials know nothing about), and now, it seems like I gotta do it again. So I have an open invitation for all of you: go outside, feel the breeze in your hair, and don’t worry about people like me. If my sacrifice means that millions of hard-working Americans can go back to work, then I’ll happily die. If it means workers can use their hard-earned dollars to go to American businesses, then I’ve got my last will and testament ready to go. And if it means that the S&P and NASDAQ will go up, then you better believe I’m already getting into my coffin!  I’ve had plenty of good years on this Earth, so go forth and spend like it’s three months ago!


Dad, How Did You Escape the Nursing Home?

By Shane Miller
Concerned Son

Woah, Dad, how the hell did you get into the house? Actually, maybe this is a good thing – you might be safer here than cooped up in a nursing home … Anyways, that’s a conversation for later. 

Look, I understand you’re probably confused, but to be honest, I think everyone is, so let’s take a breather. Yeah, it sucks that we have to stay home and can’t go out to see people or go shopping or see movies or whatever, but we’re doing this for people like you. I understand that you might wanna sacrifice yourself, or more likely people who are your age, but we’re not in a war. We don’t have to storm the city of Hue or whatever, we just have to stay home for a few weeks. We can still go into nature, we can still get food on the table, and most importantly, we can still buy stuff online if we’re really feeling the need to. I mean, I can’t, because I was furloughed, but that’s another story.

I think we all WISH that we could get out of the house and spend like maniacs, but it’s not that easy. And of course Coronavirus is hurting businesses of all different sizes, but killing millions of Americans would ALSO tank the economy. Once this is all over, I fully plan on using whatever money I have left to get a Sunday brunch like no other, but for now, we all need to do our part and stay home. I’m just hoping those relief checks some through soon, because if they don’t, I’m not gonna be able to pay the mortgage, and that’ll cause much larger problems than not being able to go to Dave & Busters. 

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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