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I Have Somethin’ Very Important to Say

Written by: Sophie Pubb

Listen, I want you to sit down when I tell you this. I’ll wait. Make sure you’re all nice ‘n’ comfy and your seatbelt’s strapped an’ …

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Muir College to Become Fifth Student Center

Written by: Abby Offenhauser

Last week, UC San Diego officials announced to the campus community via email that they were “getting bored” of their ongoing construction projects…

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‘Performative Male’ Democrat Delivers Performative Filibuster

Written by: Daniel Palacios-Villegas

“The female form is just a work of art, y’know?” said Booker. “It should be worshipped.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In an attempt to “connect with the …

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Unexplained Virus Plagues Southeast San Diego Communities

Written by: Destiney Friday

“Why can’t these damn civilians stay calm?!” shouted one cop, scratching his head with his gun.”Photo by David Muñoz After the “GENTRI-5” virus began spreading in …

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64 Degrees Rebrands to ‘65 Degrees’ Due to Climate Change

Written by: Jack Wilson

“I just need to wait a little longer, and then I can come visit!” said one mermaid.”Photo by Destiney Friday and Amit Roth In response to …

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Film Bros Endangered Following Rise of Short-Fern Content

Written by: Lincoln Mahar

“Ah— ahh— ahh—” said multiple videos the film bros scrolled past.”Photo by Lilia Sanchez After the discovery of the new invasive media species Shortfernicus slopicus (common …

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EPA Introduces ‘Sexy’ Mascots

Written by: Cole Johnson

“Hold on. Wait. Just hold on a second. I’m almost finished. Just hold on. I’m almost done,” said one entranced onlooker.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a …

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Cicadaman Emerges from Centennial Slumber

Written by: Liz Owens

“What did they build in New York?” Cicadaman asked. “Some kind of World Trade Center? Cool! I sure hope nothing happened to it!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …

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Canvas Shifts Online Services to Stone Tablets

Written by: Jack Wilson

Economists warn of soon-to-burst tablet bubble.Photo by Amit Roth L ast quarter, Instructure Canvas experienced a 17-hour global outage. Afterward, Instructor Canvas chief executive officer Steve …

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School Shooters Now Required to Use Silencers During Exam Season

Written by: Sophie Pubb

“Quiet coyotes, everyone!” said one teacher between gunshots.Photo by Amit Roth With SAT and AP testing season rapidly approaching, San Diego Unified School District (SDUSD) has …