Articles
Citing Inflation, UCSD Switches Quarter System to Dollar System
“All of these new changes make me feel like a million Dining Dollars,” said one student. “Which is to say, terrible.”Photo by Julia Wong After the …
Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”
“Mommy, I said I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, not a garbage patch doll,” said one customer’s daughter.Photo by Amit Roth Mattel, Inc. has released a …
We Have All Been Afflicted With a Curse
Fellow youths, I bring horrible, world-ending news. Our university — nay, our universe itself has been afflicted with a terrible curse. It is the most vile, …
La Jolla Coffee Shop to Require Three-Acre Land Ownership for Restroom Access
“Finally! A place where I can shit in opulence,” said one Sand&Foam guest.Photo by Amit Roth An upcoming amendment to the employee training guide of La …
Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply
“Chemicals in the water supply? Next thing you know they’ll be putting chemicals in food!” said one parent.Photo by James Woolley In a new report from …
Price Center Plaza Looks So Good Now! vs Nothing Has Changed
Point: Price Center Plaza Looks So Good Now! Price Center Plaza looks so good now! I love all the construction they are doing. It truly makes …
ExxonMobil Claims Leaving Refrigerators Open Can Solve Climate Change
“Global warming is temporary, but commercial refrigerants are forever,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In the wake of this year’s extreme weather, from …
Grades Inflate, Society Crumbles
In the storied history of education there has been but one constant: the strong pass and the weak fail. Educators from Socrates to Dennis Prager have …
How to Always Win Your Fantasy Football League
It’s a tale as old as time. September rolls around and your friends or colleagues invite you to join their fantasy football league. There’s just one …
Bacteria Don’t Deserve to Be Experimented On vs They’re Not Fucking Animals
Point: Bacteria Don’t Deserve to Be Experimented On While PETA has devoted no small amount of time and effort to advocate for the rights of animals …
