Opinion
People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard
Wizards of San Diego, I come to you all with the most horrible problem I have ever faced in my short 200 years of existence. I …
This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet vs. Try the All-New Flavor Bomb in Your Ford F950!
Point: This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet Every year, on a beautiful winter day, my family gathers for a day of festivities. A …
You Missed Out on Something Really Cool Last Night vs. You Are a Failure
Point: You Missed Out on Something Really Cool Last Night Last night was truly a sight to behold! As the sun began its fiery descent into …
I’m Finally Speaker of the House vs. You Are a Spineless Fool, Your Days are Numbered
Point: I’m Finally Speaker of the House As children, many Americans dream of being astronauts, ballerinas, or kings. However, we are a fickle nation — no …
I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You
I hate walking into the gym on January 1. It’s full of losers who crowd the machines and probably can’t even bench the bar. Thankfully by …
If You Really Think About It, Life Is Just a Game as a Service
I remember when the first arcades opened. My brother would spend hours in them, coming home late at night on an empty stomach after turning his …
Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! vs. All Families Deserve to Be Fed
POINT: Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! Within a week of moving into my new home, it was evident to me that I had …
Throwing Food on Paintings Is an Ineffectual Protest vs. It Makes the Paintings Taste Better
POINT: Throwing Food on Paintings Is an Ineffectual Protest I can’t believe people do this. This publicity stunt does nothing to talk about climate change. You …
Return Black Friday to Its Roots
If one more person disrespects the internationally-recognized holiday of Black Friday, I am going to lose it. The contempt when you dismiss this patriotic purchasing day …
It’s Not a Phage, Mom
I’m not doing this because it’s a viral trend! It’s not infectious, my friends haven’t caught it, and no one is putting me up to this. …
