News
Trump Places Gag Order on the Newly-Hired Alternative Fact Finder
President Trump has enacted another gag order, this time on official D.C. Fact Finder Jerry Verum early Tuesday morning, silencing Verum from communicating with the public …
Hopeless Romantic Ignores 13th Straight Tinder Match
Leading up to the annual February 14 rush of love-seeking that most call Valentine’s Day, Alex Pross downloaded the popular dating app Tinder, in hopes of …
Confused Man Awakens from VR, Tries Gaming in Real Life
After falling asleep from playing in VR for a week straight, 27-year-old Kurt Ambrose woke up confused and in a crazed state in his bedroom, believing …
Legion of Doom Mourns Fidel Castro, Florence Henderson
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom, the recent passing of both Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and the Matriarch of “The Brady Bunch,” Florence Henderson, came as …
Scientists Claim Tectonics are Pushing Sixth College Away at Rate of Nail Growth
Scientists have finally come forward to say in their own words what everyone was thinking: “Sixth College is simply TOO far away.” A confidential scientific source …
Christmas Miracle to Come in Form of Three-Day Auto Sale
Last Thursday morning, hundreds of auto dealership managers were visited by angels announcing the Lord’s plan that a 2016 Christmas Miracle will occur in the form …
Amish Community Saddened and Very Confused by Cyberbullying Epidemic
Surprising new advocates in the fight against cyberbullying have emerged in recent weeks: the Amish. Candle shops and haberdasheries alike have been abuzz with the news …
Football Fan Thinks 200-Pound Human Miracle of Athleticism “Just Standing There”
Markus Dohle was already moving on to his second beer in the first quarter when he remarked that the 237-pound, six foot three “godsend of athleticism” …
Local Student Gets Organized, Almost Fools Self into Thinking She Has Life Together
Emily Adlet Roe, second-year UCSD student, reported Monday that she had organized her “whole life” for the first time. When pressed, Roe admitted that when she …
U.S. Prison Guards Negligent, Panopticon-Opticon Built to Watch Guards
In a recent study of United States prisons, 83 percent of prison guards were found to be not watching prisoners for a majority of their shifts. …
