News
Donald Trump Tries Goody’s Burrito for First Time, Decides Mexican Immigrants Can Stay
Following Donald Trump’s visit to UCSD, the Republican front-runner and likely presidential candidate has decided to reverse his entire foreign policy because of a burrito purchased …
Area Man Shoots Down Drone, Declares Himself King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds
After shooting down a neighbor’s drone hovering 25 feet above the ground in his front yard, local electrician and recreational firearm enthusiast Boris Knotwood leveraged his …
Paid Family Leave Bill Passed After Cis Man Impregnated
Overwhelming majorities in both the House and the Senate passed an amendment to the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 last month, requiring employers to …
Study Finds Taller Americans at Increased Risk of Hitting Head on Passing Jets
A study conducted by the American Medical Association, in conjunction with the University of California, San Diego, confirmed that certain individuals who are taller than others, …
Area Mad Scientist Crowdfunds Affront to God
Area Mad Scientist Hugo Mounster began using crowdfunding platform GoFundMe to raise money to create life that is “an affront to all the gods of man.” …
New Standardized Test Implements A Through Z Answer Choices, Fixes Public Education
Several California school districts adopted a new standardized test aimed at providing more effective determinations of a student’s intelligence and knowledge base. The test encourages divergent …
Satan Declares Rap Superstar Fetty Wap “Not a Real Devil Worshiper”
The Dark Lord Satan, also known as Beelzebub, announced his disdain towards popular rapper Fetty Wap in a press conference Tuesday. The press conference, held in …
Nick Jonas Produces “Brokeback Mountain” Remake, Plays All Roles
After his stunning role as a shirtless, gay MMA Fighter in “Kingdom,” his role as a shirtless, gay frat boy in “Scream Queens,” and as a …
Developer of “Melted Ice” Releases New Product Line: “Condensed Steam”
A rising star in the refreshment industry, Pepperson, Co., recently announced the much anticipated release of Condensed Steam (patent pending). Pryce Pepperson, CEO of Pepperson, Co., …
KKK Adjusts to Social Climate with New Progressive Corporate Policies
The KKK released their plan to incorporate new progressive policies last week, in an attempt to recruit new liberal members, and gain support in their effort …
